hugtopia_logs | ♥ June (Dianir) Event Log

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♥ June (Dianir) Event Log

an expanse of blue space with a dim light shining down

June (Dianir) Event Log

There's a lot going on this month, plenty of work to be done. But as they say, many hands make light the work! And to make up for the grim and grey atmosphere awaiting those who decide to venture outside the barrier, the weather within the city limits is clean and clear, that perfect spot resting between hot and cold. The middle of Dianir brings to Havenwell the start of perfect summer weather. Be sure to give yourself a lovely break when you need to get away from the endless storm outside.

❥ PROMPT I: Corridor of Lights

a park pathway lined by benches at night, lit by a line of streetlights '

Compared to how the weather and world beyond the barrier was a few years ago, the wilds these days appear far less harsh. While the constant storm of dust and debris appears to maintain its viciousness further out, and it is yet strong enough to obscure whatever source of light there is beyond the atmosphere, its tumultuous gusts are noticeably less harsh closer to the city itself. And, in fact, there even appears to be patches of green just outside the barrier, although the growth rapidly stops at a certain near-distance from the city. All together, this prompts those of the researchers to make an announcement: that they are allowing– no, they are asking the off-worlders for help in Phase I of repairing the mysterious train station to the south. What do they want the non-locals to do? To make a corridor meter by meter or even inch by inch if necessary, by placing the charged up crystal-conduits of last month on poles either side of a path, stringing them together with reinforced cable.

As mentioned above, characters will be setting off beyond the barrier. The further characters trek as they set up the corridor, the more hazardous and darker the environment becomes. Further away from the city, even before reaching the train station ruins, light is scarce, and the world is cold, dry, and with winds as harsh as sandpaper. At some point, one's only source of light may be the flashlight attached to the exosuit front or the dim glow of the conduits themselves. Safe travels.

Characters will all be given exosuits to wear beyond the barrier, which are custom-fitted to their body, as well as a conduit. While researchers encourage characters to continue engaging in touch as they march into the open, it isn't necessary to participate.They will also all be given a flare to use in case of emergency.

Despite the improved quality of air beyond the barrier, staying out too long can still result in contracting a mysterious illness that involves chills, fever, malaise, and fatigue. The locals know of this illness as being borne from a mysterious miasma that permeates both air and ground outside. Touch alleviates the symptoms, but it takes time. If one is exposed while still beyond the barrier, characters can use their flare to signal for (player-discretion) NPC support to bring them back to the city. Tents will be set up by the locals to take in any injured or ill characters.

Once the corridor is fully finished with the conduits strung together by poles and cables, the makeshift highway will come to life by a dim, golden light reminiscent that of the barrier. Starting with the conduits nearest to the city, a shimmering, semi-translucent shield appears to dome over each section of the path until finally spanning its entire length, seemingly dispelling any miasma within. Just in case, though, the locals suggest to not remove one's exosuits just yet. This golden-lit corridor has an ethereal quality to it, muting the howling wind outside, as well as providing a sense of safety and warmth. A few local helpers can be seen standing in awe of this grand accomplishment, holding hands or linking arms as they marvel at the replicated barrier, walking down the path slowly. Some of them may even come up and thank the characters for their hard work. If they hadn't been made of metal, they are sure they would be shedding tears of joy.

❥ PROMPT II: Chaining the Supply

a video game screenshot of two people attempting to capture a giant lizard in a jungle

With the highway finally established, the researchers are calling for the initiation of Phase II, involving more sets of volunteers (they know, they know, they're needy; but don't worry, they promise they'll compensate you with dora!).

Help with Supplies: Become a runner of supplies from point A to point B on the corridor, passing off items, cords, metal, electronics, to the next volunteer.
Help with Charging the Conduits: Regrettably, the consistency of the barrier surrounding the corridor is patchy in some areas. The locals are asking for help: simply engage in any form touch with someone next to a dimmer-looking conduit. They have even provided plush couches for characters to relax upon. What do you mean, that's not comfy? No worries, they'll also provide a privacy curtain for you. Alternatively, these couches can be used as a resting station for characters in need of a break.
Protect the Corridor: The light of the corridor is bound to attract a few curious and hostile wildlife to its source of light. Those who are brave enough may depart the safety of the corridor's barrier to combat or capture the creatures that would threaten its integrity. Please see below for list of potential wildlife encounters, and note that any engagement with these creatures generates a big risk of exposure to the miasma that may make a character severely ill and lethargic. Working with a partner is encouraged.

For those who opt to attempt to capture some of the infected creatures, specialized nets will be provided to allow for safe catch-and-transport without making contact with the poison they exude. There will be an area designated for the captured creatures until they can be transported to one of the research labs. Some of the crystals have been moved to clear the area, and while they are held there, offworlders are encouraged to attempt a new experiment: can the crystals also purify the poison inside living creatures, as well as the air itself? If offworlders make contact within the creature's and the crystal's vicinity, can they be saved?

If your character ends up capturing one of the creatures, please comment to this comment here noting which ones and how many.

These are the creatures that can be encountered on a character's path. Next to their names are the frequency with which they can be found and level of hostility. Characters can encounter either untainted or poisoned renditions of these creatures, if a regular version exists.

"The Apparitions" (uncommon - very hostile): a creature new to those both native and offworld, these ghost-like creatures can take any form, humanoid, robotic, animal. They are translucent and mostly featureless/faceless, floating from place to place and trying to stay out of sight. They prefer to perform sneak attacks, and should they make contact with someone's bare flesh or (if you're unlucky) phase through your suit, they are able to stun most people, capturing and preventing your escape as they begin to steal your thoughts. Whatever fleeting thing might pass through your mind as you make contact with them is devoured, whatever you're feeling is consumed. This effect can be halted by another person interfering and forcing the apparition to break contact, but they can only be harmed by those who have formed a physical connection with one another. Basically: don't be caught alone by one, or there will be no escape unless someone comes to your rescue. (Apparitions cannot be captured, only slain or driven away.)
Inky Black Spiders (common - hostile): These relatively small, black spider-like creatures have very basic melee attacks, using their fangs and their sharp legs to bite and claw at people. Those who were around in October when the wall broke will recognize them as the most common enemy back then. Their exoskeletons are hard and when they die, they smash into a black goo. They tend to travel in packs, using sheer numbers to overwhelm their prey.
One-Eyed Lizard (uncommon - docile): An iridescent scaly purple and green lizard approximately 8 to 10cm in length from tip to tail. It has a single eye at the top of its head that can rotate to see 360 degrees around it. This creature's main defenses are its tough hide and a spine on the tip of its tail which it whips at predators to dissuade them from eating it. It's more likely to run than fight, however, and can usually be found sunbathing on exposed rock with its eye closed.
"Bone Giraffe" (extremely rare - hostile): A nearly 20-foot tall, long-necked skeleton of a four-legged creature long dead with a single curved horn protruding from its skull and a sharp snout. It's usually found lying in a heap, as if it laid down and died that way. A black seven-petaled flower sometimes (but not always) grows from the skull and beneath the skeleton is an oily black film. Touching the oil slick activates the creature, which draws the oil up into the skeletal cage. Its main attacks are brute force, using its bony legs and neck to kick and slam against its prey, and its acid breath. It breathes a black fume that sizzles and burns anything it touches.
Rive Talon (rare - hostile - medium): In the past these creatures may have been canines of some form, now they seem to have melded with the detritus of the fallen buildings and creatures of the landscape. Extra spikes, ridges, and protrusions extend from its body at odd angles. Many of them are metal or stone, rather than bone. And some of the bones clearly were not originally its own.
Outskirts Hare (uncommon - docile): A shy creature, roughly the size and shape of an earth hare, covered in fuzzy-looking, curly pink hair and cat-like whiskers. Normally quite timid, this creature's poor eyesight causes it to flee when it feels threatened, and relies largely on a sense of touch to navigate its surroundings. Contact with this creature's fur is markedly pleasant, but its skin discharges an oil that causes mild skin irritation on contact when it's nervous. Active mostly at night time.
Ansaurini (rare - annoying): a bipedal feathered bird with sharp claws and teeth good for chomping; some possess flight capabilities, but the majority are prone to a lazy waddle. Mostly harmless and deceptively unassuming until you turn your back- and suddenly it's run off with something it stole off your person! They are excellent at escaping, though they can be traced back to their hoard, and if their collection is raided they will make a lot of noise in protest. Just watch your back- they will try again until you leave their territory. Truly, a horrible thing.

❥ PROMPT III: Pop-Up Mouse Café

a line of five cartoon maid girls with mouse ears and tails

This month, the clergy of Ainea's temple are excited to announce a pop-up café for which people are free to volunteer or attend as guests. Whether a character decides to serve others or be served, the staff of the pop-up offers a headband with metallic mouse-ears on top for all to wear. They come in a variety of different hues of pinks and purples, colors that characters may recognize as being associated with Ainea. These headbands are wired to shift and turn with the moods of whoever is wearing them. The rest of the uniform, which includes formal black-and-white attire complete with frilled aprons, is optional. Featured items on the menu include teas and hot chocolates as well as a variety of (synthetic) artisan cheeses. Volunteers who decide to don the mouse-ears of the café will also be encouraged to serve snacks and drinks within the recovery tents set up for the workers who venture outside the barrier. Feeling ambitious? Those who manage to serve tea or cocoa to over five people in the recovery tents will be awarded a golden pin of a mouse they can proudly display on their uniform! Look your cutest, and get out there! You can also keep those ears.

At the end of the day, the staff will gather the group to take a photo together, local and off-worlder crew alike, to hang up on the temple wall. Supporting each other, coming together, and community through difficult times is a cornerstone of Ainea's teachings.

This event will run from June 15th to June 30th. Click on each prompt's title to see the text. If you have any questions, feel free to direct them to the FAQ or to the Mod Question thread. You can also use the Havenwell Status page or the General Plotting Comment to give you other ideas for original prompts!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It seems a bit of an oxymoron to say he's not hurting him when he's thinking of the past. Faust hardly ever thinks of the past in a positive light. Still, he doesn't argue. His mouth twitches.

"I never thought... I'd be close... to anyone either..."

He only saw so many living humans. He could only help them from afar, if at all. He had his letter, one name, one hope, but even then this sort of thing, in his mind, had been impossible. Unsafe.

"Is it... a good change...?" He asks, but when he reflects on the way Faust looks at goodness, he decides to rephrase. "Is it one... you're okay with...?"

"...I know. I can imagine that's been hard for you."

It's something he was always cognizant of, even if there was nothing much to be done about it. For a young and lonely human like Teo it must have been especially hard to never have contact with anyone, and he hasn't had nearly as much time to become accustomed to it. Nor was it any sort of choice, for him...

But that's all the more reason to allow him to do this now, when it's- if not entirely confirmed safe, it at least can't do any more damage than has already been done.

Is it a good change, though? Or one he's okay with, as Teo rephrased...

"...I don't know. It means I will certainly be twice the fool if I do get burned again."

It's a certain display of trust, which he's used to holding tightly to his chest. Still, he's let himself open up at least a little to some of the wizards and the Sage back in his world... and now here, with Teo...

"...But it's you, so for the time being, I'm not worried."

For their own reasons, in their own ways, they've been living like their lives were already over. In different ways, they were. But Faust has had to bear it so much longer. He still can't comprehend four hundred years in any sense, good or bad.

The answer Faust gives is a wounding one. He flinches and, unconsciously, a hand curls in the loose fabric of Faust's clothes.

"I'd protect you... as best I could... If I could..."

Of course, he can't. He can do nothing in Faust's world and little anywhere else. He clearly can't protect Faust here. He closes his eyes, once again wishing for the impossible.

"You wouldn't have... to be afraid anymore..."

He can feel that flinch, though at first he's not sure what caused it. Then he feels that grip on his clothes, and his wistful words... he thinks of Lennox, insisting on staying by his side even after everything that happened and all of these years... in this moment, it feels like Teo would try to do the same. His voice is soft.

"...I wouldn't ask you to do that. I'm grateful for your efforts to help me, but when I'm gone," whether gone to stone or miraculously back in his own world, if he can keep Teo relatively alive that long- "you need to focus on your own life... following that letter of yours won't be easy, and I won't be there to protect you."

It's harder to think about now than it use to be. It was easier to accept Teo's high likelihood of failure or death at that point when he wasn't as invested in helping him live. Just another change that he can't easily label good or bad...

"...Though it may be better for you if you're able to stay in this world as long as possible... whether or not I'm still here. At least you'd be safer here..." in more than one sense, since he doesn't have to hunt anymore...

"You wouldn't have... to ask..." He insists back, but Faust isn't done. He falls silent again, swallowing back that dread over when Faust is gone. He turns his face away, burrowing into Faust's shoulder.

Of course, he's right. And it's not as if he wants to task Faust with the job of protecting him. He never did in the first place. It's just the reality that his "life", in the future, won't involve Faust. One way or another.

And Faust makes another good point...

"If I ever... go back... I'll be able to hunt...I'll be travelling... again... Survivors don't realize... when I'm covered up... when I stay back... I'll be okay... I'll have nothing... but time to look..."

If he ever does find her. He pauses a moment, then turns again, reaching into his pocket to dig out the letter. He unfolds there where Faust can see. He's already read the words aloud.

"I want to write... another letter... about you... just in case... And then I'll have it... no matter what... and when I find her... I can tell her... about you..."

"...You'd have nothing but time, it's true... but you can have more than that, in a place like this."

Still with limitations, and he obviously can't search for the person in his letter here... but he doesn't have to spend all of his time focused only on hiding and survival in a world like this... there are even others that may accept what he is, like Hythlodaeus...

He glances to the letter. Maybe he should offer to reinforce the spell on it, as it may be his only chance to in case he doesn't live past today... but so far he still doesn't feel any of the supposed effects of the bite.

He's not sure how to feel about Teo talking about writing another letter, about him. It seems pointless, when he's hardly worth remembering in the first place as he is now...

"...I imagine you'd give her entirely the wrong idea about me. But it's hardly worth writing such a thing in the first place... you'd be better off forgetting about me."

The phrase "nothing but time" really does go both ways for his old world. Nothing else but time. And here, as Faust says, there's more. The only thing he's missing is Sara, the one person who might be able to tell him who he was. But with those he's met here, he can learn who he is now.

He wishes it didn't have to be a choice. But in lieu of that, he wishes he had a choice in what happens at all.

He jerks away suddenly, staring at Faust like he's slapped him. Anger settles then over his turn and burned features.

"Don't... say that... Don't." He turns his glare down at his letter, then folds it up. Back into his pocket it goes. "My life is gone... It's practically... erased... and I hate that... enough... But you... You've made... my life better... You make me happy... I'm still afraid... I'm going to lose you... Any second now... Don't you dare... say I'm better off."

It's not the first time he's said something along those lines to him, though it's been some time since then, and... well, it's sheer luck that he hasn't become only a memory already. But his reaction now takes him off guard, tensing as he suddenly shifts away from him.

It's things he's said before, in various forms, probably too many times by now despite his efforts to convince him he's mistaken and downplay it all. And he's told Teo more than once how his own pain is just going to hurt him too, if he stays too close... but that didn't deter him either.

He hesitates. His anger should make it easier to respond in kind, to push him away. Yet somehow, he doesn't really want to do that anymore...

"...It's not like I'm saying you'd be better off alone... I'd rather you at least have someone else you can rely on. But there's a limit to how much someone like me can make your life better. And it seems that, if I turn to stone, the pain left behind may well outweigh any happiness you've gleaned from your time with me. So of course it would be better, if you could let go of my memory at that point... so you can focus on a better future for yourself. You shouldn't have to mourn over a lost future that was never going to exist in the first place..."

Even if he lives, even if he's found moments of peace and quiet contentment here with Teo, he still doesn't believe someone like him will ever have a future...

"Whatever you may think of me, I'm not important enough to be carried so close to your heart as that letter is. Though if you intend to only write down and remember the parts of me that made you happy, then that's up to you..." It's how he's been remembered in his own world, against his will. But this isn't Alec fooling a nation into erasing his own choices. It's just Teo wanting to hold on to what makes him happy... that much is fine...

Faust tries to assauge his anger as if it's just a misunderstanding. Of course Faust still wants good for him, it's Faust that needs to be removed from the equation, as Faust himself so gently puts it. Limits and burdens and more bullshit guised in pragmatism.

And on some level, Faust is right. Not about himself, no, Teo refuses to give that. But there's a certain futility in getting Faust to see otherwise. He was never going to be good enough to help Faust that much.

He certainly wasn't going to be good enough for Faust to understand half of what he feels now. He hadn't even hoped for that. He was just going to keep his mouth shut but, with posibility of death at his hands, he can't take this talk.

Scowling off to the side, his eyes close in resignation. There is a faint voice, a smarter one, telling him that if he speaks up now, if Faust lives, he'll have destroyed their friendship. But the voice isn't loud enough. Certainly not enough to drown out the fear that Faust won't live through this.

He opens his eyes, expression hard-set, as he turns his gaze back to Faust. If his eyes were less blank they might burn.

"Whatever I think... huh...?" There's a bitter ghost of a laugh. "What do you know... about your importance...? What do you know... about limits...? You don't even... want me to mourn...? Are you kidding me...?"

He shifts back further. He straightens his spine and braces for ruin.

"I... like... you... I... more... than like you... And I have... for a while... Do you understand...?"

He waits a moment for it to sink in. Then, he turns and rises to his feet.

"It's not... that I need anything... it's not that I... would ever expect... but don't give me... all that trashtalk... like it's any better... than spitting at me... and you..."

He expects an argument, whether it's still angry or not. But even if Teo won't accept everything he thinks about himself, he has to at least try to reduce any wounds he might leave behind if he doesn't survive the day...

He looks ahead rather than at Teo as he responds, though he can virtually feel his gaze on him. There are plenty of ways he could answer those questions, but he's sure they're meant to be rhetorical. As he thought, he's going to disagree with him completely...

But his next words take a moment to sink in, slowly spoken as they are, and he finally looks at Teo with wide eyes. He looks away again quickly when he moves to stand, making no other moves yet himself. He wonders for a moment if the infection is finally starting to set in, but no, he knows the heat in his face and his racing pulse is just his heart reacting to the unexpected confession.

Should it be unexpected? Should it have been obvious, that Teo's high views of him were rooted in something more than friendship? It wasn't on his mind, when his priority was helping and protecting him... it's hard to pick apart what he's feeling right now when it's tumultuous, dragging in and amplifying uncertainties and fears more than anything happy.

".......How long?" His voice is a little strained, and he doesn't look up. "How long have you felt this way?"

He heaves a sigh, deflating. He can hear the strain in Faust's voice. He's not sure if it's worse or better than he expected.

"Does it... really matter...?"

His arms hug close to himself. He doesn't look back.

"My point is... that I'm going to care... And I want to... even if... you can't care... for yourself... Even if... it frustrates or... makes me sad... We're supposed... to be friends... aren't we...? Friends don't... ask each other... not to care..."

Maybe that, too, is futile; supposing he can keep this friendship after what he's just said. God, and he still doesn't know if Faust will live at all.

"Don't worry about... anything else... Just.. I guess... I'll give you... space, I guess..."

Does it matter, he says... maybe not. He was blind to it regardless, or at least, he never considered it a possibility. Why would he, when he was too focused on trying to point out all the ways he can't even be a good friend to him...

But it was never going to work, not if his heart is that set on staying by his side. He keeps his head low and his grip on his arms tightens as he doesn't even have his hat or sunglasses to help hide his face or hold onto. Teo isn't asking him for anything more, though. Just reiterating their friendship... and then offering to give him space. No clinging or chasing after him, even though he could still very well turn to stone today...

"...I was right... you really do have terrible taste."

It doesn't come out with much humor, his voice quiet. Give him space... that can't be what he actually wants. But maybe it would help, to have a little time to themselves... assuming he has time left. He glances over to where the repaired exosuit still sits.

"That suit needs to be returned..." He's tempted to just leave it at that open-ended suggestion, but... "If you can handle that, then we can talk more about this when you return."

It would be too easy to try and sweep this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Teo might even let him. But that's the part that makes him want to avoid that... he doesn't want to treat his feelings so carelessly... at least, no more than he has already...

He sputters and coughs on a laugh, though it likewise has little humor. He's denied everything about having poor taste in friends, any suggestion that Faust isn't a good one. But someone to love? A man from another world who wishes to be alone, hates himself, and was literally burned by his last love, that Teo couldn't touch regardless? Yeah, he'll give in this time that it was a poor choice.

He doesn't want to give space. He wants to stay here and be sure Faust is okay or to soak up every second if he isn't. He wants to go back to being curled up at his side, comfortable, if not at peace.

But, he's not going to kid himself in presuming that Faust is in any way comfortable with this. He just prays, maybe, with whatever space he gives, they really can just pretend it didn't happen. So long as Faust doesn't keep trying to sever what was already there.

He likewise glances at the exo-suit. He'll have to face the scolding of the robots for going out without one. He can't see himself caring much. His mind will be caught on everything here. He breathes slow and nods.

He goes about fixing his gloves and his gaiter, making sure there's neither blood nor blackness on them. The goggles go on and he's glad for Faust's numbing magic over the burns around them. He takes up the exo-suit, heads to the door, and considers walking out without a word, but he hesitates.

Quietly, he says, "Please... don't die."

He steps out.

He lets Teo make his few preparations in silence. He only looks up when he makes that quiet plea, and by then he's watching his back as he steps out the door.

He sits in the silence left behind for a little longer, not feeling any more relaxed for it. He waits to see if his body will choose that moment to manifest the infection that seems to be impossibly absent, because that would be just his luck. At least then Teo wouldn't have to see it happen...

But is that a selfless thought, or a selfish one? Now that he knows how Teo really feels... he closes his eyes. Would it have been better for Teo, if he'd never let him get close? He's wondered as much before, but the longer they continue to live together... the less it really matters. The past can't be changed. What he needs to ask himself is... despite all of the ways he could cause him pain, can he still make Teo happy like this? And the more difficult if less important question, how do I feel about Teo?

He stands up, and he heads back upstairs to his room, lighting his candle again without turning on the lights. He looks at his bed for a moment, just slightly mussed from where he was sitting on it with Teo earlier. He sits at his desk instead, arms resting on the surface as he watches the flame burn.

The likelihood that he's going to live is still in question. There may not be any point to even thinking about this... but if things had gone the way they both expected them to, he never would have known how Teo felt. That he chose to confess now... he can't cast that aside as unimportant. And at this point, he doesn't doubt that he's telling the truth... as tempting as it is to let himself doubt. But he's always been the type to be open about his feelings, if apparently not always the full extent of them...

But Teo is looking for a future, and he doesn't have one. He must know that. But the heart heart doesn't always follow reason and logic. Yet he's spent so long trying to bitterly contain his own, shattered as it is... he doesn't know if it's even capable of feeling love again in the first place... or if he'd even want to. Just thinking back to when it was easy makes his heart squeeze painfully in his chest, the walls around it keeping it both safe and confined.

But maybe he doesn't have to. And it's not as if he doesn't like Teo... he can be frustrating and not always think things through, but he's sincere and caring in a way so few are... and living here with him has been... peaceful. He can be alone when he wants to, but in those times when he'd rather have company... Teo is there. Maybe nothing has to change... maybe this just means he can better understand Teo's feelings... or at least try to, when he's hardly capable of loving himself.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, the candle's flame wavering. He just has to be careful. Teo's left his heart in his hands, whether or not he intended to. It would be too easy for it to slip through his fingers if he's not gentle with it.

He puts out the candle and heads back downstairs, pouring himself a glass of wine to sip while he waits on the couch. He may as well, if all of this does turn out to be in vain and he doesn't wake up tonight.

As predicted, the people of this world chew him out. They're happy to have the suit back, confused as to why Faust didn't bring it himself, and very upset with him. He's scolded on the dangers, on legalities, and when they find he's sustained burns, they try to reach out. He steps back instinctively.

It's that moment where he realizes he can't just let this all go over his head. He has to talk with them, to somehow how focus on something other than the fact that he's confessed and maybe killed a man in one day. He doesn't consider himself much of a smooth talker.

Of course it takes longer than he likes. He sees visions of coming home to a body, to stone, to a house that's entirely empty. He tries not to panic. He feels vaguely sick. He manages to keep himself from running back when he's free.

If he were smart, he might've taken all that time away to sort out his own feelings. But, if he were smart, he wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.

At last, he makes it back, opening up the door and peering inside.

"Faust...?" He calls out, tentative.

As time stretches on, he can't avoid the irrational thought that Teo might not come back at all. It's not like he's about to go running off outside the barrier again, nor would he wander off anywhere else after how clear he's made it that he's worried he's going to die... but what would he even do, if that did somehow happen...

He decides not to think about that, focusing on his wine instead. By the time Teo returns he'd started on his second glass. He looks up from where he's sitting on the couch, more or less where Teo left him, still just as alive.

"...Welcome back. I hope they didn't give you too much trouble over it." He'd have gone with him, or instead of him, if not for his current uncertain state... "Sorry for making you go alone."

In another lifetime, it wouldn't be out of the question. But for Faust's luck, good or bad, he's here.

He's hit with a wave of relief as he finds Faust. He lets out a breath and his shoulders immediately drop with the lost tension. Not that his worries over, but at least he's only being called to face the lesser of them. He waves off the apology, shaking his head.

"My mistake... was my fault... was right... to be me..."

He moves to the table, but he doesn't take a seat at the couch. Instead, he sits down, on the floor, near but not next to Faust. His mug of tea is still on the table, empty now. He reaches for the wine bottle, asking, May I? Then, if permission is given, he proceeds to top up the mug with wine, pull his gaiter down, the goggles up, and take a generous gulp.

"Glad you're... still here..."

He doesn't have a good argument for that, so he lets that go and focuses instead on the fact Teo doesn't join him on the couch. It's not unusual for him to sit on the floor, but that and the space between them is a far cry from where he was leaning right up against him and resting his head on his shoulder earlier. He nods to his request without thinking, then grimaces a little at the fact he pours it into his tea mug. He could have at least gotten a glass for him... oh well. It clearly doesn't bother him. But next time... if there's a next time...

"...Nothing has changed on that front. I'm still fine."

A little warm from the wine, at most. He gazes down into his glass for a moment, and when he speaks he keeps his voice neutral.

"...If I live, are you expecting anything to change between us?"

Another breath of relief on his part.

"Good..."

He doesn't comment on the other possibility, that Faust could've just up and left while he was out. Being a wizard and with few possessions besides, he doesn't imagine it would've been hard.

He doesn't look up at Faust at his question. His gaze stays fixed on the wine in his mug, the color of it...

"No," He says in his quiet rasp, without hesitation. But he pauses, mouth pressing. "... I hope... you'll understand... that I'm not... changing my mind... about you... but that's it... Nothing different... Just... trying to be... more careful... like you wanted..."

"..."

It's certainly generous. No expectations of change, just another way to convince him he won't change his mind about him... he's sure that's far from what Teo actually wants, but he sees the reason in it.

"...I should apologize... for saying such careless things to you. I don't see in myself what you see in me... but I shouldn't devalue your feelings. That's one thing you've never given me a reason to distrust..."

But it can still be difficult, for reasons Teo already knows.

"That said... if you want anything to change, we could... discuss it. Or not. I will leave that up to you..."

He was going to be stoic about this, but he can feel his face heating up anyway, maybe because of the wine, which is annoying because it'll probably give Teo the wrong impression-

"That is, things like leaning against me like you were earlier... it's fine if you want to continue to do things like that..."

Faust isn't stingy with apologies, but it's rare to get one he doesn't want to turn away. It's maybe the first time an apology from him has felt deserved, but it still makes him sheepish to accept it, eyes darting up and back down again.

"...Thank you..."

He's not expecting more. He catches the flush in Faust's cheeks and, if he were able to, he'd probably match. Instead, his head ducks. More than embarrassment though, he feels unease. Why should anything change? Why should Faust have to go out of his way for him? It's too simple. Too easy.

Too selfish.

"Do you really... want that...?" He asks. He looks up at last, frowning. "You don't... feel the same..." It's not a question. "You don't like... being close... Do you actually... want me near... like that...? Or do you just... think you should...?"

He glances over, if only briefly. He sounds so certain that he doesn't feel the same. Not that he can say he's wrong, but...

"I'm not sure you understand... there's no reason for me to do anything for myself. I'm not the one with a future. So it's hard for me to imagine something like a... a relationship. Knowing that it will be short-lived."

Among various other reasons. Except...

"But it may not seem that short to you... and the length of time doesn't have to be equivalent to value. It's not that I don't like being close, either- or at least, I can't say for certain one way or the other. It's been four hundred years. And... I do care about you. So regardless of where we stand, I want to know... if there's more I could be doing, to make the time we have more valuable to you..."

It's just as he thought. It's Faust just forcing himself through whatever because he sees himself as nothing. It's two counts of injury tucked into one. He fights the stupid impulse to curl in on himself. For a long moment he simply nurses his mug of wine.

"... I want... you to care..."

Perhaps this is his fault. He was the one who tried to make a friend of Faust. He was the one who asked- no, demanded more than Faust was willing to give. He didn't want Faust to push him away. Well? Wish granted. Faust will simply let himself be stepped over.

"I want you... to care about... you." He looks up, meeting Faust's gaze. "I can't do it alone... you won't let me... I want to know... what you want... what you need... what you feel..." He swallows against the pain in his throat. "I fell for you... who you are... Not what you could... do for me... I told you... I don't want... to use you... for your magic... or anything else... I know I can't... make you happy or... give you some... dream future... I know I'm just... a speck in time... But if you're going... to offer more to me... I want it... to be for you... If you can't think... of any reason... to care about you... then please... do that for me... and forget about... anything else."

"..."

It feels like he's being shut down. Because- what Teo is asking of him isn't something he can give, not in the way that he's asking for it.

"What I want..."

What he wants is to help Teo. Is that so wrong...? Yet he knows that's not what he wants to hear. But he's asking more than he's capable of... he takes a long sip of his wine.

"...What I want... is for the young wizards in my world to never have to suffer the way I have. I want you to find what you've lost, and perhaps more. I want... the fact that I've somehow survived this long to, at the very least, do some good for someone other than me... but me? I'll never have what I wanted. Even if the world we dreamed of does somehow come to pass... it won't be because of him, or me. It won't restore the lives that were lost, because of us... it won't make me forgive the humans... or make me any happier for my own sake."

He has to grip his glass with both hands as they begin to tremble.

"Maybe it doesn't seem like it to you, but I've been trying to be happier. But even these small things... the little moments I've let myself be happy, because you asked me to... it doesn't feel deserved or worthwhile if it's not something that makes you happy, too. There is a thin line... between being used, and offering what I can because I want to... but they're not the same. That's what I want, Teo. That's the only way I can care about myself..."

But he doesn't imagine that's what he wants to hear. He lets out a shaky breath, the pain of both the past and the present washing over him.

"But if that's not something you can accept... then forget I said anything. Nothing has to change... there's nothing wrong with the way things were..."

The sense of a shutdown is mutual. His heart sinks. Of course he can't give Faust what he wants. He can't change Faust's world. He can't undo time and stop the horrors Faust has witnessed, or prevent the losses. He can't change the heart of humanity.

He can't be Alec.

He'd thought those little things might make a difference. He thought, maybe, they could build into something more, a quiet sort of contentment, if not true happiness. But even that... Did he fool himself? Did he want attachment so bad that he projected it all, a bond that isn't even real...? The answer is obvious. Yes. He "fell" for a person who'd give him whatever he wanted, even when he believed otherwise. Stupid, scummy, an undead with consciousness but still doing nothing more than taking and taking and taking--

"I... understand..."

His eyes, which had been staring blankly, close then. His face twists into something pained and then smooths, blank again.

"I'm sorry... for asking so much... for not seeing... I never meant... for this to be... on your shoulders... I thought... I wanted to believe... I could do more... I was selfish... and I'm sorry..."

He sets the mug down. It's waste, but he doesn't think he can make himself have more. It's just another kind of pretending.

"I won't forget... I just need... to figure out how... to do this..." How can he walk the line of not asking for more of Faust and respecting how things actually are. "But it's true... nothing has to change... We- It's been... okay, right...? You haven't... forced anything... too much...?"

♥ June (Dianir) Event Log

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