hugtopia_logs | ♥ June (Dianir) Event Log

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♥ June (Dianir) Event Log

an expanse of blue space with a dim light shining down

June (Dianir) Event Log

There's a lot going on this month, plenty of work to be done. But as they say, many hands make light the work! And to make up for the grim and grey atmosphere awaiting those who decide to venture outside the barrier, the weather within the city limits is clean and clear, that perfect spot resting between hot and cold. The middle of Dianir brings to Havenwell the start of perfect summer weather. Be sure to give yourself a lovely break when you need to get away from the endless storm outside.

❥ PROMPT I: Corridor of Lights

a park pathway lined by benches at night, lit by a line of streetlights '

Compared to how the weather and world beyond the barrier was a few years ago, the wilds these days appear far less harsh. While the constant storm of dust and debris appears to maintain its viciousness further out, and it is yet strong enough to obscure whatever source of light there is beyond the atmosphere, its tumultuous gusts are noticeably less harsh closer to the city itself. And, in fact, there even appears to be patches of green just outside the barrier, although the growth rapidly stops at a certain near-distance from the city. All together, this prompts those of the researchers to make an announcement: that they are allowing– no, they are asking the off-worlders for help in Phase I of repairing the mysterious train station to the south. What do they want the non-locals to do? To make a corridor meter by meter or even inch by inch if necessary, by placing the charged up crystal-conduits of last month on poles either side of a path, stringing them together with reinforced cable.

As mentioned above, characters will be setting off beyond the barrier. The further characters trek as they set up the corridor, the more hazardous and darker the environment becomes. Further away from the city, even before reaching the train station ruins, light is scarce, and the world is cold, dry, and with winds as harsh as sandpaper. At some point, one's only source of light may be the flashlight attached to the exosuit front or the dim glow of the conduits themselves. Safe travels.

Characters will all be given exosuits to wear beyond the barrier, which are custom-fitted to their body, as well as a conduit. While researchers encourage characters to continue engaging in touch as they march into the open, it isn't necessary to participate.They will also all be given a flare to use in case of emergency.

Despite the improved quality of air beyond the barrier, staying out too long can still result in contracting a mysterious illness that involves chills, fever, malaise, and fatigue. The locals know of this illness as being borne from a mysterious miasma that permeates both air and ground outside. Touch alleviates the symptoms, but it takes time. If one is exposed while still beyond the barrier, characters can use their flare to signal for (player-discretion) NPC support to bring them back to the city. Tents will be set up by the locals to take in any injured or ill characters.

Once the corridor is fully finished with the conduits strung together by poles and cables, the makeshift highway will come to life by a dim, golden light reminiscent that of the barrier. Starting with the conduits nearest to the city, a shimmering, semi-translucent shield appears to dome over each section of the path until finally spanning its entire length, seemingly dispelling any miasma within. Just in case, though, the locals suggest to not remove one's exosuits just yet. This golden-lit corridor has an ethereal quality to it, muting the howling wind outside, as well as providing a sense of safety and warmth. A few local helpers can be seen standing in awe of this grand accomplishment, holding hands or linking arms as they marvel at the replicated barrier, walking down the path slowly. Some of them may even come up and thank the characters for their hard work. If they hadn't been made of metal, they are sure they would be shedding tears of joy.

❥ PROMPT II: Chaining the Supply

a video game screenshot of two people attempting to capture a giant lizard in a jungle

With the highway finally established, the researchers are calling for the initiation of Phase II, involving more sets of volunteers (they know, they know, they're needy; but don't worry, they promise they'll compensate you with dora!).

Help with Supplies: Become a runner of supplies from point A to point B on the corridor, passing off items, cords, metal, electronics, to the next volunteer.
Help with Charging the Conduits: Regrettably, the consistency of the barrier surrounding the corridor is patchy in some areas. The locals are asking for help: simply engage in any form touch with someone next to a dimmer-looking conduit. They have even provided plush couches for characters to relax upon. What do you mean, that's not comfy? No worries, they'll also provide a privacy curtain for you. Alternatively, these couches can be used as a resting station for characters in need of a break.
Protect the Corridor: The light of the corridor is bound to attract a few curious and hostile wildlife to its source of light. Those who are brave enough may depart the safety of the corridor's barrier to combat or capture the creatures that would threaten its integrity. Please see below for list of potential wildlife encounters, and note that any engagement with these creatures generates a big risk of exposure to the miasma that may make a character severely ill and lethargic. Working with a partner is encouraged.

For those who opt to attempt to capture some of the infected creatures, specialized nets will be provided to allow for safe catch-and-transport without making contact with the poison they exude. There will be an area designated for the captured creatures until they can be transported to one of the research labs. Some of the crystals have been moved to clear the area, and while they are held there, offworlders are encouraged to attempt a new experiment: can the crystals also purify the poison inside living creatures, as well as the air itself? If offworlders make contact within the creature's and the crystal's vicinity, can they be saved?

If your character ends up capturing one of the creatures, please comment to this comment here noting which ones and how many.

These are the creatures that can be encountered on a character's path. Next to their names are the frequency with which they can be found and level of hostility. Characters can encounter either untainted or poisoned renditions of these creatures, if a regular version exists.

"The Apparitions" (uncommon - very hostile): a creature new to those both native and offworld, these ghost-like creatures can take any form, humanoid, robotic, animal. They are translucent and mostly featureless/faceless, floating from place to place and trying to stay out of sight. They prefer to perform sneak attacks, and should they make contact with someone's bare flesh or (if you're unlucky) phase through your suit, they are able to stun most people, capturing and preventing your escape as they begin to steal your thoughts. Whatever fleeting thing might pass through your mind as you make contact with them is devoured, whatever you're feeling is consumed. This effect can be halted by another person interfering and forcing the apparition to break contact, but they can only be harmed by those who have formed a physical connection with one another. Basically: don't be caught alone by one, or there will be no escape unless someone comes to your rescue. (Apparitions cannot be captured, only slain or driven away.)
Inky Black Spiders (common - hostile): These relatively small, black spider-like creatures have very basic melee attacks, using their fangs and their sharp legs to bite and claw at people. Those who were around in October when the wall broke will recognize them as the most common enemy back then. Their exoskeletons are hard and when they die, they smash into a black goo. They tend to travel in packs, using sheer numbers to overwhelm their prey.
One-Eyed Lizard (uncommon - docile): An iridescent scaly purple and green lizard approximately 8 to 10cm in length from tip to tail. It has a single eye at the top of its head that can rotate to see 360 degrees around it. This creature's main defenses are its tough hide and a spine on the tip of its tail which it whips at predators to dissuade them from eating it. It's more likely to run than fight, however, and can usually be found sunbathing on exposed rock with its eye closed.
"Bone Giraffe" (extremely rare - hostile): A nearly 20-foot tall, long-necked skeleton of a four-legged creature long dead with a single curved horn protruding from its skull and a sharp snout. It's usually found lying in a heap, as if it laid down and died that way. A black seven-petaled flower sometimes (but not always) grows from the skull and beneath the skeleton is an oily black film. Touching the oil slick activates the creature, which draws the oil up into the skeletal cage. Its main attacks are brute force, using its bony legs and neck to kick and slam against its prey, and its acid breath. It breathes a black fume that sizzles and burns anything it touches.
Rive Talon (rare - hostile - medium): In the past these creatures may have been canines of some form, now they seem to have melded with the detritus of the fallen buildings and creatures of the landscape. Extra spikes, ridges, and protrusions extend from its body at odd angles. Many of them are metal or stone, rather than bone. And some of the bones clearly were not originally its own.
Outskirts Hare (uncommon - docile): A shy creature, roughly the size and shape of an earth hare, covered in fuzzy-looking, curly pink hair and cat-like whiskers. Normally quite timid, this creature's poor eyesight causes it to flee when it feels threatened, and relies largely on a sense of touch to navigate its surroundings. Contact with this creature's fur is markedly pleasant, but its skin discharges an oil that causes mild skin irritation on contact when it's nervous. Active mostly at night time.
Ansaurini (rare - annoying): a bipedal feathered bird with sharp claws and teeth good for chomping; some possess flight capabilities, but the majority are prone to a lazy waddle. Mostly harmless and deceptively unassuming until you turn your back- and suddenly it's run off with something it stole off your person! They are excellent at escaping, though they can be traced back to their hoard, and if their collection is raided they will make a lot of noise in protest. Just watch your back- they will try again until you leave their territory. Truly, a horrible thing.

❥ PROMPT III: Pop-Up Mouse Café

a line of five cartoon maid girls with mouse ears and tails

This month, the clergy of Ainea's temple are excited to announce a pop-up café for which people are free to volunteer or attend as guests. Whether a character decides to serve others or be served, the staff of the pop-up offers a headband with metallic mouse-ears on top for all to wear. They come in a variety of different hues of pinks and purples, colors that characters may recognize as being associated with Ainea. These headbands are wired to shift and turn with the moods of whoever is wearing them. The rest of the uniform, which includes formal black-and-white attire complete with frilled aprons, is optional. Featured items on the menu include teas and hot chocolates as well as a variety of (synthetic) artisan cheeses. Volunteers who decide to don the mouse-ears of the café will also be encouraged to serve snacks and drinks within the recovery tents set up for the workers who venture outside the barrier. Feeling ambitious? Those who manage to serve tea or cocoa to over five people in the recovery tents will be awarded a golden pin of a mouse they can proudly display on their uniform! Look your cutest, and get out there! You can also keep those ears.

At the end of the day, the staff will gather the group to take a photo together, local and off-worlder crew alike, to hang up on the temple wall. Supporting each other, coming together, and community through difficult times is a cornerstone of Ainea's teachings.

This event will run from June 15th to June 30th. Click on each prompt's title to see the text. If you have any questions, feel free to direct them to the FAQ or to the Mod Question thread. You can also use the Havenwell Status page or the General Plotting Comment to give you other ideas for original prompts!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

As predicted, the people of this world chew him out. They're happy to have the suit back, confused as to why Faust didn't bring it himself, and very upset with him. He's scolded on the dangers, on legalities, and when they find he's sustained burns, they try to reach out. He steps back instinctively.

It's that moment where he realizes he can't just let this all go over his head. He has to talk with them, to somehow how focus on something other than the fact that he's confessed and maybe killed a man in one day. He doesn't consider himself much of a smooth talker.

Of course it takes longer than he likes. He sees visions of coming home to a body, to stone, to a house that's entirely empty. He tries not to panic. He feels vaguely sick. He manages to keep himself from running back when he's free.

If he were smart, he might've taken all that time away to sort out his own feelings. But, if he were smart, he wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.

At last, he makes it back, opening up the door and peering inside.

"Faust...?" He calls out, tentative.

As time stretches on, he can't avoid the irrational thought that Teo might not come back at all. It's not like he's about to go running off outside the barrier again, nor would he wander off anywhere else after how clear he's made it that he's worried he's going to die... but what would he even do, if that did somehow happen...

He decides not to think about that, focusing on his wine instead. By the time Teo returns he'd started on his second glass. He looks up from where he's sitting on the couch, more or less where Teo left him, still just as alive.

"...Welcome back. I hope they didn't give you too much trouble over it." He'd have gone with him, or instead of him, if not for his current uncertain state... "Sorry for making you go alone."

In another lifetime, it wouldn't be out of the question. But for Faust's luck, good or bad, he's here.

He's hit with a wave of relief as he finds Faust. He lets out a breath and his shoulders immediately drop with the lost tension. Not that his worries over, but at least he's only being called to face the lesser of them. He waves off the apology, shaking his head.

"My mistake... was my fault... was right... to be me..."

He moves to the table, but he doesn't take a seat at the couch. Instead, he sits down, on the floor, near but not next to Faust. His mug of tea is still on the table, empty now. He reaches for the wine bottle, asking, May I? Then, if permission is given, he proceeds to top up the mug with wine, pull his gaiter down, the goggles up, and take a generous gulp.

"Glad you're... still here..."

He doesn't have a good argument for that, so he lets that go and focuses instead on the fact Teo doesn't join him on the couch. It's not unusual for him to sit on the floor, but that and the space between them is a far cry from where he was leaning right up against him and resting his head on his shoulder earlier. He nods to his request without thinking, then grimaces a little at the fact he pours it into his tea mug. He could have at least gotten a glass for him... oh well. It clearly doesn't bother him. But next time... if there's a next time...

"...Nothing has changed on that front. I'm still fine."

A little warm from the wine, at most. He gazes down into his glass for a moment, and when he speaks he keeps his voice neutral.

"...If I live, are you expecting anything to change between us?"

Another breath of relief on his part.

"Good..."

He doesn't comment on the other possibility, that Faust could've just up and left while he was out. Being a wizard and with few possessions besides, he doesn't imagine it would've been hard.

He doesn't look up at Faust at his question. His gaze stays fixed on the wine in his mug, the color of it...

"No," He says in his quiet rasp, without hesitation. But he pauses, mouth pressing. "... I hope... you'll understand... that I'm not... changing my mind... about you... but that's it... Nothing different... Just... trying to be... more careful... like you wanted..."

"..."

It's certainly generous. No expectations of change, just another way to convince him he won't change his mind about him... he's sure that's far from what Teo actually wants, but he sees the reason in it.

"...I should apologize... for saying such careless things to you. I don't see in myself what you see in me... but I shouldn't devalue your feelings. That's one thing you've never given me a reason to distrust..."

But it can still be difficult, for reasons Teo already knows.

"That said... if you want anything to change, we could... discuss it. Or not. I will leave that up to you..."

He was going to be stoic about this, but he can feel his face heating up anyway, maybe because of the wine, which is annoying because it'll probably give Teo the wrong impression-

"That is, things like leaning against me like you were earlier... it's fine if you want to continue to do things like that..."

Faust isn't stingy with apologies, but it's rare to get one he doesn't want to turn away. It's maybe the first time an apology from him has felt deserved, but it still makes him sheepish to accept it, eyes darting up and back down again.

"...Thank you..."

He's not expecting more. He catches the flush in Faust's cheeks and, if he were able to, he'd probably match. Instead, his head ducks. More than embarrassment though, he feels unease. Why should anything change? Why should Faust have to go out of his way for him? It's too simple. Too easy.

Too selfish.

"Do you really... want that...?" He asks. He looks up at last, frowning. "You don't... feel the same..." It's not a question. "You don't like... being close... Do you actually... want me near... like that...? Or do you just... think you should...?"

He glances over, if only briefly. He sounds so certain that he doesn't feel the same. Not that he can say he's wrong, but...

"I'm not sure you understand... there's no reason for me to do anything for myself. I'm not the one with a future. So it's hard for me to imagine something like a... a relationship. Knowing that it will be short-lived."

Among various other reasons. Except...

"But it may not seem that short to you... and the length of time doesn't have to be equivalent to value. It's not that I don't like being close, either- or at least, I can't say for certain one way or the other. It's been four hundred years. And... I do care about you. So regardless of where we stand, I want to know... if there's more I could be doing, to make the time we have more valuable to you..."

It's just as he thought. It's Faust just forcing himself through whatever because he sees himself as nothing. It's two counts of injury tucked into one. He fights the stupid impulse to curl in on himself. For a long moment he simply nurses his mug of wine.

"... I want... you to care..."

Perhaps this is his fault. He was the one who tried to make a friend of Faust. He was the one who asked- no, demanded more than Faust was willing to give. He didn't want Faust to push him away. Well? Wish granted. Faust will simply let himself be stepped over.

"I want you... to care about... you." He looks up, meeting Faust's gaze. "I can't do it alone... you won't let me... I want to know... what you want... what you need... what you feel..." He swallows against the pain in his throat. "I fell for you... who you are... Not what you could... do for me... I told you... I don't want... to use you... for your magic... or anything else... I know I can't... make you happy or... give you some... dream future... I know I'm just... a speck in time... But if you're going... to offer more to me... I want it... to be for you... If you can't think... of any reason... to care about you... then please... do that for me... and forget about... anything else."

"..."

It feels like he's being shut down. Because- what Teo is asking of him isn't something he can give, not in the way that he's asking for it.

"What I want..."

What he wants is to help Teo. Is that so wrong...? Yet he knows that's not what he wants to hear. But he's asking more than he's capable of... he takes a long sip of his wine.

"...What I want... is for the young wizards in my world to never have to suffer the way I have. I want you to find what you've lost, and perhaps more. I want... the fact that I've somehow survived this long to, at the very least, do some good for someone other than me... but me? I'll never have what I wanted. Even if the world we dreamed of does somehow come to pass... it won't be because of him, or me. It won't restore the lives that were lost, because of us... it won't make me forgive the humans... or make me any happier for my own sake."

He has to grip his glass with both hands as they begin to tremble.

"Maybe it doesn't seem like it to you, but I've been trying to be happier. But even these small things... the little moments I've let myself be happy, because you asked me to... it doesn't feel deserved or worthwhile if it's not something that makes you happy, too. There is a thin line... between being used, and offering what I can because I want to... but they're not the same. That's what I want, Teo. That's the only way I can care about myself..."

But he doesn't imagine that's what he wants to hear. He lets out a shaky breath, the pain of both the past and the present washing over him.

"But if that's not something you can accept... then forget I said anything. Nothing has to change... there's nothing wrong with the way things were..."

The sense of a shutdown is mutual. His heart sinks. Of course he can't give Faust what he wants. He can't change Faust's world. He can't undo time and stop the horrors Faust has witnessed, or prevent the losses. He can't change the heart of humanity.

He can't be Alec.

He'd thought those little things might make a difference. He thought, maybe, they could build into something more, a quiet sort of contentment, if not true happiness. But even that... Did he fool himself? Did he want attachment so bad that he projected it all, a bond that isn't even real...? The answer is obvious. Yes. He "fell" for a person who'd give him whatever he wanted, even when he believed otherwise. Stupid, scummy, an undead with consciousness but still doing nothing more than taking and taking and taking--

"I... understand..."

His eyes, which had been staring blankly, close then. His face twists into something pained and then smooths, blank again.

"I'm sorry... for asking so much... for not seeing... I never meant... for this to be... on your shoulders... I thought... I wanted to believe... I could do more... I was selfish... and I'm sorry..."

He sets the mug down. It's waste, but he doesn't think he can make himself have more. It's just another kind of pretending.

"I won't forget... I just need... to figure out how... to do this..." How can he walk the line of not asking for more of Faust and respecting how things actually are. "But it's true... nothing has to change... We- It's been... okay, right...? You haven't... forced anything... too much...?"

Teo says he understands. He's not sure if he does. Or if he does, then- he's decided that he's not willing to let things be that way. If he can't care about himself solely for his own sake, then nothing he can offer is enough...

But his apology doesn't completely sit right with him, nor does his question. Does he think he's been forcing himself to be content living with him? Does he think that offering anything different is forcing himself, too?

"I'm not forcing anything... I've had to adjust to changes, sure, but that's not the same..."

He hesitates, a growing frustration in his gut. How can he say this in a way he can be sure Teo will understand? Maybe there isn't one, but he has to try...

"I told you before... that you can't fix my life. I warned you that I have wounds that will never heal. Those are the thorns you accepted... so don't blame yourself for not changing that. But you've told me you don't want me to force myself to pretend that the past never happened, that everything is fine. But now you think I'm forcing myself if I... what, choose to spend time with you? If I make an effort to open up parts of myself that I could easily leave hidden and stagnant as I have in the past...? Do you think we would even be having this conversation if I wasn't willing to be more open about how I feel than I used to?"

He sets his glass down, resting his hands on his knees in loose fists.

"You've been here to remind me of things that I would never tell myself if I were alone. Even if I don't always want to hear it... maybe sometimes I should. You can't tell me that you wanted to believe you could do more for me, then act like you've failed if my efforts to meet you halfway don't come painlessly... I wouldn't be trying if not for you..."

Even this feels like he's forcing out the words, but not out of some one-sided obligation to help Teo... he would have pushed him away a long time ago if at least some part of him wasn't still willing to look at himself and go, this isn't how I want things to be.

"I'm trying for you, but also because of you... who you are, and what you've given me. I wouldn't be thinking about my own happiness at all if I were alone. Do you understand?"

"I- it's- no... I don't."

He runs a hand through his hair, pushing the hood back in the process. This isn't going well, but then, it's hard to imagine a situation where it would have.

"It's not... the past... I wanted to help... it's now... it was now... I thought I could... make these... little moments for you... this bit of time... and I..." He blows out a breath. "I was wrong... I get it... but you're telling me... it only matters... as far as making... me happy... that what you feel... doesn't matter... your memory... so what else... could it be... but twisting your arm...? To be my friend... to let me close... sit near you or..."

He makes a keening noise, more animal than he likes. He draws his knees up and ducks his head to them.

"There's no reason... for you to do anything... for yourself... If it weren't for me... you wouldn't do these things... That's what you said... What else... could that mean...? You've been trying just so... so you can make sure... I have a happy memory...? Not because... you want to... not because... it'll benefit you... in any way... Just so... you can send me along... like what happens to you... after that... doesn't matter... That's fucked." His voice cracks. "I'm just- just a- a parasite... You say it's different... used or offered... but it's not... if you're just... doing whatever I ask... then I've fucked up... and I don't know... what to do yet... okay?"

He wasn't able to explain it well after all, apparently. But what he says is- ridiculous maybe isn't the right word, because he doesn't want to say that when Teo looks so miserable.

When he's finished, Faust stands up from the couch, but only so he can step over and kneel down on the floor right beside Teo, facing him. He leans forward, reaching out to grasp his wrist.

"I want you to listen to what you just said. "If it weren't for me, you wouldn't do these things." If not for you. That's not you being a parasite. That's you giving me the chance to find some happiness with you."

He releases his wrist and sits up straight as he sighs.

"You really aren't getting it at all... you have been giving me these small moments where I can feel content... I do these things for you because making sure that you can be happy- that's what matters to me... when you can smile despite what you've been through... that's what makes me happiest, in the moment. That's not something I'll forget once you're gone... even if it's only for a short time."

At this point, it feels like he may as well accept he's not dying today. And yet here he is, saying all sorts of things he didn't think he'd willingly say without something like death to taken away his inhibitions... it's difficult, but it's for Teo's sake... and his own. He lowers his head slightly.

"What happens to me doesn't matter... but that doesn't mean that everything I do is forced, with no thought for myself. Nor does it mean I'll do whatever you ask-" He lifts his head, his tone turning reprimanding. "I most certainly have not done everything you've asked of me. I said we could discuss changes, not that I would say yes."

With that out of the way, his tone softens.

"I know that what happens to me matters to you... and... it matters to others, as well. That's why... I'm willing to think more about myself. Does inspiring that feeling in me make them parasites, too?"

He hears the movement, can practically feel Faust standing over him. His shoulders hike, bracing to hear footsteps just walking away. Instead his wrist is gripped and he imagines Faust using the new-found advantage of not infecting on contact to simply strike him. His head lifts away.

Faust doesn't strike (really, Faust has never given any sort of indication), but he listens with trepidation. His wrist draws back once it's released though he continues to watch Faust. He searches his face, trying to sort this all out. There are still things he doesn't like. There are likewise things he wants to cling to. Despite his cringing, he doesn't shy from the actual reprimand. That last note has him shaking his head hard.

"No, no...! I love your friends...! They can look after you... when I can't... In ways I can't..."

Which, to be honest, is still most of them. He still feels terribly helpless in regards to doing anything for Faust at all, but that's an issue for another day. The point is that, if Faust's friends bring him to care more for himself, that means a lot to him too.

It also surprises him. He runs a hand up and down his knee.

"So... you do care... sometimes...? You take care of... yourself... for them...? For..." He swallows. "For me...?"

He brings that hand up, pressing the ball of his palm to both eyes, one after the other. No crying. Enough of that. None, no more.

"I want you... cared for... and safe... to have more... It's what I wished... If you... can do that already... no reason to... ask for more... You already... make me happy... all the time... Didn't you know...?

He doesn't know what he's bracing for, when he moves toward him. Does he think he's going to try and hurt him? Or is he just feeling vulnerable right now...

That much he can relate to, but it's times like this that he can't shut himself away without causing more harm than good. He doesn't want to hurt anyone else by running away...

Softly, "It doesn't look like I'm making you happy now."

It's those thorns digging in, his own pain and ruined parts hurting Teo as well. Knowing now how he feels about him... of course it would make that pain even worse... will they really grow any flowers, in the end?

...

"...Shino and Heath are my students, or at least, that's how things ended up. Nero is a colleague, as well as a student, if not a very good one. Lennox is... even now, he acts as if he's my subordinate. The Sage is our leader. Those are the relationships I have, in my world... we're all duty-bound in some way and serve our own roles, brought together by fate to fight off the Great Calamity. But you... there's no roles to follow. You're my friend... nothing more and nothing less. I've never had a friend like that before."

He's treated him like he's his charge, someone younger that he's responsible for protecting and mentoring. But Teo never saw it that way... and he was simply doing what he knew, when all his relationships have always had a power balance and an end goal attached to them...

"In that alone, you've given me something I didn't have before. But that also means... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be a friend without being- a mentor, or a protector or follower, or even a leader... having a role to follow means I know what's expected of me and I can focus on not failing those expectations... but it seems I keep missing and failing yours. I warned you that would happen, as well... you expected me to heal more than I have, and I let you down..."

Teo shouldn't be suffering right now. But he is, despite his efforts to explain that he's not- taking advantage of him, or being a parasite... their respective understanding of what they're getting out of their friendship is just too different, perhaps...

"I want to be a good friend to you. But I need you to understand... that I can't pull care for myself out of nothing. Letting me care for you doesn't make you a parasite... but if you won't let me, then I can't care for myself either. Friendship is meant to be symbiotic, isn't it? We're supposed to help each other... even if I can't live up to your expectations, right now... it doesn't always have to be that way. I can't learn how to care for myself without you..."

He's looking down, struggling with both humiliation and trepidation at what is, essentially, foregoing his common insistence that he'd rather be left alone and admitting that he needs help...

He sputters out a weak laugh. He almost manages a smile. Faust might have a point but...

"You're alive..." He reminds. "You're still alive... Mess or not... you're alive... and we'll deal..."

Even if he had to shift his whole approach to Faust. Even if they fought and didn't speak for a while. Faust is still alive. There's still a chance for Faust.

What Faust describes is a lonely existence. He's sure that they care a lot more than it might seem, and they'll still be there to look after Faust when he's not, but it does leave little room for Faust to be at ease. Besides being alone and in misery, Faust has hardly gotten to just be himself.

He almost wonders if Faust read his thoughts, the way he offers this fact. He doubts that he has anything to offer and there's Faust saying, look, see.

"Trying not... to expect... You told me... Not your fault..." He doesn't know why he keeps doing this. He knows it's wrong. He certainly can't let Faust blame himself for it.

But the rest leaves him quiet. It is what he wants, for this friendship, to help each other. He also wants to reach out. He wants to bring his hand to Faust's cheek, to run his thumb over the skin. But he's had other wants for longer, always the lingering desire to rend his teeth through flesh. He can handle this just fine.

"I don't know... if I know how... to be a good friend... either... But I'm really glad... we might get... to keep trying...? I still think... you're too good... to me..." Just not to himself. But he has to be more forgiving of that. Faust is trying.

Slowly, he unravels himself. His arms go out, open and offering.

"Can I...?"

He's alive. He hopes it's not too early to believe it will stay that way. That their efforts to try and understand each other in this moment will mean something.

It's only when Teo says that they might get to keep trying, if in that questioning tone, that his shoulders relax just slightly. He didn't belittle or cast aside his admission. With the way things were going... he might have just continued to upset him and push him further away. If Teo couldn't accept being friends under these conditions, he'd have to draw a line somewhere...

"...That's what I've been trying to say. We don't have to stop trying..."

He watches him unravel and open his arms to him. At this point, between navigating this exhausting conversation and the more physical and magical weariness he'd already been dealing with, he doesn't bother hesitating or second-guessing himself. He reaches out to meet his offer, gently drawing him into a hug.

...He wonders how difficult this is for Teo, with that hunger he carries. But more than that, he can feel how solid he is, if thin and marred with wounds beneath those layers. There's no heartbeat and no warmth, but he can sense life from him. He feels something ease in his chest that he didn't even know was tensed. He breathes out.

"...Thank you."

Faust's shoulders ease and he feels himself ease just the slightest bit too. Things are okay. They're going to be okay...

He doesn't get much of a chance to respond, but he doesn't care. Faust's arms around him and he hugs Faust tight to him too. That warmth becomes his. He can feel the pulse in his chest, faint with the separation, but there. He feels alive, all through the life Faust somehow still has.

He bit Faust today. He knows his taste now, how truly tempting it is. But he'd lose this. He'd lose Faust. He can't bear to lose Faust. He hopes to never go through this again.

"I should... be thanking..." He says, "that you don't... hate me... for that...stupid move... or... anything today..."

His head rolls to rest against Faust's. He won't kill Faust. He won't kiss him either. They'll have this. This... is more than good enough. His fingers curl in the fabric of Faust's clothes.

"I'm... so glad you're alive..."

He can't really deny that. It would be, in some sense, easy enough for him to hate Teo. He's a human, after all... and one who makes some very human mistakes. But he's proven himself well enough as one that he can trust. There's still going to be that part of him that keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it did long ago, but... maybe he can at least try trusting Teo enough that he can live in the moment without constantly waiting for something to change for the worse...

"...Just try not to do anything so stupid as that again. It would be a pain if I managed to survive only for you to go and get yourself killed."

The gloomy annoyance would probably be more effective if he wasn't still hugging Teo. But it's fine. They're going to be fine... or at least, maybe they can be, in time.

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♥ June (Dianir) Event Log

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