hugtopia_logs | 'no' is the saddest experience you'll ever know.

Entry tags:

'no' is the saddest experience you'll ever know.

♥ Who: Cliff Norman and whoever wants to put up with him.
♥ Where: various.
♥ When: Early November.
♥ What: A sad wolf is a bad wolf.
♥ Warnings: Cursing, Hell content in Héctor thread naturally.

[ one - the loneliest number. teen house. ]

[He doesn't know why he hasn't taken Kaito up on his offer before, especially since he's made a point to walk by his house a couple times to check on it or make sure it existed in the first place. The damage done by the worms isn’t enough to take out the place or make it unsafe, thankfully -- and it even leaves the task of quietly getting inside through a window even easier! Not that he couldn't use some difficulty as a good distraction from feelings he's trying very hard to ignore. Before he goes to climb inside, he makes a quick pass to see if the garden is likewise a survivor from October’s big wormy mess.

And then he's in a home that isn't his. It's weirdly soothing for someone that never relished the idea of spending time in his own home growing up, even if it's far from the window he'd really like to be climbing through. Nothing to do about that...and at least here he could feel vaguely welcome. Both Kaito and Shinji had invited him in the past! It's fine. Cliff is several steps across the room and listening for signs of anyone else being around before he calls,]

Hellooo? Anyone home?

[...decidedly not from the front door.]

[ two - just as bad as one. héctor. ]

[hahahahahahaaa fuck everything about this. He honestly hadn't meant to avoid Héctor all month, but with the worm drama on top of his dumb tender feelings, there hasn't been a good time. That's what he's choosing to tell himself so that he doesn't get frustrated all over again thinking about all the thinking he's had to do.

In the end, Héctor is still Héctor, whether he's the one Cliff knew or not. He knew he wasn't the same and had plenty of reason for that. What mattered most right now was that they were both, more or less, doing okay -- something Clifford had been able to be sure of without getting too close, thankfully, because of his nose.

Now he's getting close. So close, in fact, that he's right at the door and scratching at it with his claws, full wolf. He's...fairly confident that Héctor would be the one to answer any call to the door in this household, from what little experience he's had with Nekane, but if not? He's leaning into the anxious hope that one of the things shared in this -- bleh -- marriage is not the fact that Cliff is a big dumb werewolf.]

[ three - dog night. open. ]

[The scariest part of the worm attack, surprisingly, was not the worms. It was that moment he went to become the wolf and felt like there were hooks on the inside holding him together, refusing to let him change without a fight. He'd fallen to the ground in agony that only lightened when he finally stopped trying to shift and let that part of himself go. Cliff didn't flaunt the fact that he was a werewolf -- basically, anyway -- but not being allowed it, even on his own? Terrifying. He'd barely managed to get his head back on straight enough to shuffle citizens and helpers back towards the safety of the town center, and had been grasping at any chance to help defend.

It's still screwing him up a little, but Cliff’s making the most of getting himself back, going around the city as a red, juvenile wolf watching life get back to normal and honing in on interesting sights and smells.

Of course, the boy in the red hoodie with eyes like an animal can be found wandering as well. Usually out running at any odd hour or stuck behind a counter doing his best to act like someone who knew how to be polite.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He grins but allows Cliff just that moment of quiet. It's nice to know he still knows his daughter best in some ways.]

It won't screw anything up. The steps are the tricky part. Height only matters with hand placement.

But if you're worried, we can always invite someone shorter in to practice once you've figured the steps out.

[grumble grumble grumble -- but with the point about the steps, at least there's a new reason to want to get good at it. If the guy with the sucky leg could dance, the guy that sometimes had four legs could dance, too.

His first thought when he considers someone shorter earns a scoff. No fucking way is he dancing with Nekane, even if they decide to apologize for some of that bullshit. The second thought... It's barely a mumble, but he does admit it out loud.]

I think...Kyoko's around the right height... [grimace. From the vibes he's gotten whenever talking to her or being around her -- not that it happened often -- he thinks he'd be walking out of that lesson with a limp, no matter how trained Héctor got him. She just seems like the clumsy type?]

[While Cliff grows ever more glum, he brightens.]

Kyoko! Nice girl. I'll have to talk to her about it, but I think she'd be great for it.

[She did, after all, manage to improvise a fight with him.]

For now though, we'll start with you and me, and we'll start whenever you feel ready for it, of course. I'll get you to lead and teach you the steps and all the extra things from there. You'll be sweeping my girl off her feet by the end.

[He is officially doomed...but it is somewhat of a relief at the same time. His options back home would have been his Héctor -- someone in the same space as Coco and if they're going to be around her, why not spend time with her instead of making a fool of himself -- and literally Bigfoot -- a professional dance instructor, but one that taught classes, and that meant dancing around even more people. This way, when he goes home or if Coco has the misfortune of coming here...

...Man. His arms tighten around himself again as a frown curves across his lips for an entirely different reason. He wants to go home.]

Yeah. Right.

[Actually -- ]

My place here's pretty empty. I'm not there much, but if you know where it is, maybe you won't go grey over thinking I got crushed under a building.

[He notes the discomfort though it's hard to pin what's caused it besides the topic at hand. The sad look is different from embarrassment though. His own expression softens.]

I'm still kind of curious to see if I'll go grey someday after all... But, I would appreciate it going the natural way, not from worrying. You lead and I'll follow?

[Presumably he's got a long wait ahead of him there. Cliff shrugs, then switches to walking backwards so he can look Héctor in the face, a little skip in his first few steps to get the momentum going.]

Sort of have to! Don't fall too far behind.

[Not that he's going to be picking up the pace much. He's just taking the opportunity to be alone with his thoughts, however briefly, as he turns around again and switches back to wolf form.

It's not far at all, even if their walk had gone offtrack a bit. Its relative proximity to Héctor's house might have been one of the deciding factors, the other two being that it's small and somewhat separated from the other homes and it's on the edge of his supposed patron Ainea's district. He has to go human again to wave the tablet and unlock the door, making his decision to walk as a wolf a little questionable maybe, but then they're in! A very...empty home, with the standard lowest grade kitchen that doesn't look used much, small table shoved out of the way into the corner, a couch left on an angle just offcenter, alone like a really bizarre modern art piece, and stray socks and a shirt making a minimalistic trail over to what must be his bedroom. Nothing to read or play, no little projects, no hint of trying to bring himself into the home. He takes his shoes off using his feet, then looks over.]

Here we are. Doing alright?

[Adjusting to the cane and all...]

I'll do my best!

[He calls that out with a laugh and lets Cliff be unto himself. He follows the rd wolf through the city streets thinking how weird it is that this isn't weird at all and probably hasn't been for a while, if not in this specific way.

He doesn't question Cliff's comfort in the other form. If he could become a skeleton just like that, he would without question.]

I think I've got a bit of a rhythm. The leg doesn't hurt so much. I think the hand is going to take a bit more to get used to it, but it's good. Thank you.

[The empty home doesn't surprise him either. He gives it a glance over.]

You know... I had an apartment for a little bit. Arts district in the land of the dead, right when I first got there. I wasn't expecting to stick around. I figured I'd save up and have a place for my family ready. This place reminds me of it.

[He laughs ruefully.]

[Now that they're out of the colder outside, he shrugs off his red hoodie. It doesn't get tossed carelessly like he apparently does with other clothes, but gets neatly folded in half and set on the table with care. His expression and tone are flat when he replies.]

Dude. That's depressing.

[It's really, really depressing!!!]

I'm saying this room is depressing.

[His tone is teasing.]

The hotel in Hell had more to it. The houses. Shantytown. You gotta throw some paint at the walls.

[That's...fair, even if it makes Cliff roll his eyes. The suggestion nets more of a reaction as he wrinkles his nose.]

You get a superhuman sense of smell and try telling me that again.

[PAINT SUCKS, MAN.]

Besides, this way I can do this --

[A red wolf sprints across the room to the couch, his leap carrying him over the actual cushions and making him kick back off the back of it when he launches himself off again. He gets some pretty impressive air! His nails click and scramble on the floor as he drifts into a change of direction and repeats his stunt, only this time the further momentum gets him to the top of the couch, where he vaults over as a boy. His fun doesn't end there. It's not as easy to do without his shoes on, since his feet directly absorb the impact as he kicks off the wall, reaching up to touch the ceiling. Cliff falls back down, obviously having done this before and been careful to position things right, because the wolf is bouncing from the couch cushion to the floor. Doing it in socks does have a benefit -- he slides across the floor, back on two legs, over to the far wall. He turns his wide, exhilarated grin to Héctor, apparently cured of the negative vibes the man had dragged into the place with him.]

[He lifts a brow and then the change and the show begins, what starts off looking like the typical zooming about of an overexcited dog becoming something slightly more precise as the zooming about of an overexcited teenager.

By the end he's laughing in delight, grinning just as wild. He sets the cane to lean against his knees and lifts his hands in applause.]

That was great! Well done! Alright, I take it back, that is a pretty good reason to keep things just as they are.

[Not so empty of life in here after all. Cliff brings it all with himself. He should've figured.]

And now I'm even more sure you're going to be a fine dancer. The only thing in your way is your head.

Edited 2021-11-15 03:01 (UTC)

[The place still ends up lacking. He never stays for too long, whether it's from habit, restlessness, or loneliness that he leaves again. The zoomies can only relieve so much.

Cliff folds his arms behind his head, that trouble spot, and sighs.]

Well, yeah, I knew that already.

[Well, good. He appreciates Cliff has the technical confidence.]

... I had a trick. It was something I told to Miguel before he went off to perform. I told him about loosening up and to try a grito-- I'm sure you could howl instead if you wanted. But, the third thing to remember any time you want to perform and do so well... is love.

[He holds up a hand.]

Now don't get worked up. I'm not suggesting thinking of Coco just yet. Unless those memories fit. I want you to think of any time with any person you love, where you've acted silly just for the fun of it or shown something off. Can you do that?

Edited 2021-11-15 03:41 (UTC)

[He is absolutely mortified, and looks it well before Héctor gets to that other topic. He yells obscenities alone in a field that stretched to the horizon. He doesn't howl ever.

This is the most embarrassing man he's ever met, which is unfortunate because he'd accomplished things and lived his life the way Cliff wanted. Except for that dying young part, obviously. One can only conclude that Héctor's onto something.]

I...guess.

[how the hell do extroverts live

It's harder when it isn't them in front of him -- Kevin, Coco, Oscar -- but he lowers his hands to the back of his neck and lets his arms hang down from there, closes his eyes, and breathes. Shoves the thought of howling far, far away so he doesn't get himself worked up with nerves again.]

[He really needs to get on that howling thing. What a waste of woofism.

He is a little sorry for Cliff's suffering but not enough to apologize.]

Okay. Good. With them in mind, think of their reactions, their happiness. Think of the way it sounded, looked, and felt as you went about whatever it was. Let everything else bleed away until it is only them, you, the moment.

And then hang onto that feeling. You did that. You gave that. No worry about what it looked like, or anyone else. You made that connection on your own. That is how you handle any fear or embarrassment that rises up. Focus on the love you give. How do you feel?

[It's not that flustered feeling, but... It's not what Héctor wants from him. He knows it's not even as he opens his eyes and stares at his socks, praying that the pressure in his head and on his chest goes away before he has to speak. It doesn't. There's no point in pretending otherwise, no matter how tempting it is to try. Shit.]

I want to go home.

[His smile falls. Cliff might think he's gotten wrong but in truth, he probably couldn't get any closer to the way he's felt all this time. He sighs and speaks softly.]

... I know, kid. I know.

[He closes his eyes for a moment, feeling it himself. It's still there, calling. But there's nowhere for him to go.]

Do you want to sit down for a bit?

[Admitting it made the feeling real, and of course it had to be to Héctor, the guy that would understand more than anyone else. Cliff holds his breath, not trusting himself to do anything else without some shaky almost-sob or sniffle, but question breaks the resolve there.]

Shit.

[Damn it. Even if he's not alone, it sucks. He hates this. He can't even go anywhere, not really -- it's his house. Suppressing even more curses by deciding to not answer, he turns to walk over to the couch. Cliff takes the moment he's turned away to rub the heel of his palm against an eye. He wants to go home. He's sick of this place, he wants to go home. He just wants to go home. He settles into the corner between the arm and the couch's back and draws his legs up.]

[He follows Cliff, slower because he is and to give Cliff the smallest moment of space. Then he settles down at the boy's side, and he wants to reach out. He wants to pull Cliff in the same way he did Miguel in those last moments.

It really is that time of year after all, isn't it?]

Don't fight it, Mijo. It'll just come back harder. It's you and me. You're safe.

[Safe just to be, at least.]

[Don't, he wants to say. Don't come near me. Don't touch me. Héctor gets to his own 'don't' first, and what comes out instead is a shudder through gritted teeth.

Don't tell me what to do.
Don't comfort me.
Don't call me that.

He swipes his forearm across his eyes, still trying to make it just stop. He doesn't want to break down like this. He doesn't even deserve to in front of Héctor. None of that matters, because it's too late to stop the wave of homesickness so overwhelming he was actually feeling sick. It's too late for all those 'don't's, and since there's no choice anymore, he desperately reaches for a new one.

Don't leave me.

Cliff doesn't say that, either. He hopes he doesn't have to, because he'd have a hard time with it even without his gross sniffling and hot tears. It won't be long before he stops -- much longer before he doesn't feel like shit both physically and emotionally from this, but it's the little things, when you're transported to a world far from your own without any of your loved ones or a way to contact them.]

[He waits, ever resisting the urge to reach out. He can't offer that, even if he can swallow the itch on his own skin, interrupting this for Cliff with old fears is not the way to go. He offers what he can, which is time and an open hand and his presence, however much an offer any of those really are.

When things seem to ease for Cliff-- not stop, but veer onto getting there-- then he allows himself to speak.]

You're going to see them again. You'll see your mother, your brother. You'll go home. Everything will be exactly where you left it. I promise. I'll make sure of it myself if I've got to.

[He's already learned of ways. He might not have anywhere else but Hell to go, but he can find a way for Cliff to be where he needs to.]

[He holds back a, 'fuck you' -- not because he doesn't feel it, or anything. He'd really like to not feel it, to not be this angry and mistrusting. He settles instead for,] You can't know that.

[He can't. And even if he could, Cliff would see his mother and brother again, yes, but... Does he know what to do with himself anymore without Oscar? Without Coco? He gone through losing them already in ways -- Oscar leaving when he said he wasn't going to, Coco with a knife in her back and falling, his strength failing him when he needed to carry Oscar to somewhere he could have any chance of surviving because he needed help, and Cliff needed to help him. They both helped more than he was worth, and they'd disagree with that.

He lifts his head, stubbornly drying his face and trying to get it back together. His determination to keep his voice from becoming an unsteady croak means that his speech is sharper than usual -- biting.]

And if you could, what? You get sent to Hell again because of me? I can't do that.

Edited 2021-11-16 01:12 (UTC)

I had a nice place in Hell. Before this world happened, I was fully content to live out the rest of my dubious days there. After Imelda and Coco, it was home.

[And as much as he is completely serious about all of that, he doubts it will be taken as such. He moves along.]

I did talk with people. Before and after our little fight. People with magic and the will of the gods. And with our fight, I did consider that there might be... avenues I didn't consider. But at the very least, people do go home in this world. They go home in other worlds too. I heard stories well before coming here. I heard more stories like that than people living on into old age with people they found in new places.

[And just like that, his fear that he might lose Nekane is Cliff's hope for going home.]

Your odds of getting home are even greater than the odds were for meeting me here. And what do you know, here I am, your least favorite Héctor. [He offers a faint teasing smile.]

[That's stupid. Héctor is so unbelievably stupid, awful, and...kind. Being home in Hell still means being in Hell. Home was still home when Carl was in it. There are other problems, too, ones he selfishly decides to feel no sympathy towards -- no, that's not true. Very little sympathy. He can do that, maybe. Regardless, it's something he feels okay about stocking as a weapon even though he knows that's wrong.

He doesn't use it for now. Cliff laughs, wet and completely devoid of cheer, at what's supposed to be encouragement, maybe?]

All that means is my luck is shitty.

[...But he does extend out a foot and push against Héctor to pretend he's shoving him away.]

[He lets himself be pushed by Cliff's foot but he doesn't actually move far, acting no different than a tree blown in a breeze.]

Maybe so. But we do both know Coco so how unlucky can we be?

[Very unlucky, with one bright spot of good.]

My point is, this won't be forever. That I do know. It feels like hell right now and it might for a while, but you have people around who understand, you have things you can do in the meantime, and you will go home. You have to hang onto that. Not the least because I want you to give all my love to that family, but because it will keep you sane.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject