hugtopia_logs | 'no' is the saddest experience you'll ever know.

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'no' is the saddest experience you'll ever know.

♥ Who: Cliff Norman and whoever wants to put up with him.
♥ Where: various.
♥ When: Early November.
♥ What: A sad wolf is a bad wolf.
♥ Warnings: Cursing, Hell content in Héctor thread naturally.

[ one - the loneliest number. teen house. ]

[He doesn't know why he hasn't taken Kaito up on his offer before, especially since he's made a point to walk by his house a couple times to check on it or make sure it existed in the first place. The damage done by the worms isn’t enough to take out the place or make it unsafe, thankfully -- and it even leaves the task of quietly getting inside through a window even easier! Not that he couldn't use some difficulty as a good distraction from feelings he's trying very hard to ignore. Before he goes to climb inside, he makes a quick pass to see if the garden is likewise a survivor from October’s big wormy mess.

And then he's in a home that isn't his. It's weirdly soothing for someone that never relished the idea of spending time in his own home growing up, even if it's far from the window he'd really like to be climbing through. Nothing to do about that...and at least here he could feel vaguely welcome. Both Kaito and Shinji had invited him in the past! It's fine. Cliff is several steps across the room and listening for signs of anyone else being around before he calls,]

Hellooo? Anyone home?

[...decidedly not from the front door.]

[ two - just as bad as one. héctor. ]

[hahahahahahaaa fuck everything about this. He honestly hadn't meant to avoid Héctor all month, but with the worm drama on top of his dumb tender feelings, there hasn't been a good time. That's what he's choosing to tell himself so that he doesn't get frustrated all over again thinking about all the thinking he's had to do.

In the end, Héctor is still Héctor, whether he's the one Cliff knew or not. He knew he wasn't the same and had plenty of reason for that. What mattered most right now was that they were both, more or less, doing okay -- something Clifford had been able to be sure of without getting too close, thankfully, because of his nose.

Now he's getting close. So close, in fact, that he's right at the door and scratching at it with his claws, full wolf. He's...fairly confident that Héctor would be the one to answer any call to the door in this household, from what little experience he's had with Nekane, but if not? He's leaning into the anxious hope that one of the things shared in this -- bleh -- marriage is not the fact that Cliff is a big dumb werewolf.]

[ three - dog night. open. ]

[The scariest part of the worm attack, surprisingly, was not the worms. It was that moment he went to become the wolf and felt like there were hooks on the inside holding him together, refusing to let him change without a fight. He'd fallen to the ground in agony that only lightened when he finally stopped trying to shift and let that part of himself go. Cliff didn't flaunt the fact that he was a werewolf -- basically, anyway -- but not being allowed it, even on his own? Terrifying. He'd barely managed to get his head back on straight enough to shuffle citizens and helpers back towards the safety of the town center, and had been grasping at any chance to help defend.

It's still screwing him up a little, but Cliff’s making the most of getting himself back, going around the city as a red, juvenile wolf watching life get back to normal and honing in on interesting sights and smells.

Of course, the boy in the red hoodie with eyes like an animal can be found wandering as well. Usually out running at any odd hour or stuck behind a counter doing his best to act like someone who knew how to be polite.]

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[Héctor knows exactly what he asks. He taught Nekane first, after all. It's how he knows that this goes against Cliff's instincts in just the same way.

And Cliff is, of course, right about his dance skills. And headless skills.]

Well, if you choose to try and dodge me, the only one getting hurt is me. This is what we're practicing for. Plenty of time to make it perfect.

Now. Left foot forward.

Edited 2021-12-09 04:01 (UTC)

[That doesn't make him less inclined to dodge... He's not the one at risk! But then he reminds himself with a sigh that the goal is for him to be replaced with Coco, and he'd rather die than step on her feet. It'd be best to do it properly from the get-go.

Stepping with the left... It's really hard to shut off the instinct to stop short and hold back, especially with how conscious he is about his strength. At least he's light. Try focusing on that, Clifford. No danger unless Héctor fucks up or he jams his foot down with intention to hurt.]

[As Cliff steps forward, he takes his step back. Just as promised, all toes are spared. But of course, there's not stopping here.]

Very good. Now, step your right foot out to the side. You're going to slide your left to your right and change the weight. Got that?

[Right side, slide left, right shift? It's not complicated instructions, but Cliff finds himself getting annoyed anyway. Why does it all have to sound the same? Why is it even a dance? Right foot out, weight shifting onto it as he brings his left over to join it. Let Héctor do whatever, he can't control the other's steps, only his own. He should be able to handle that much, at least for a while. It usually took longer to lose it. This is fine.]

Left foot back, ri -- uh. [the word "right" can fuck right off] That's what's next?

[It feels like it should be!!]

[He matches the sliding with his own steps. He can tell Cliff is getting flustered. It's understandable. He's not the first one to get stopped up over this. He smiles in sympathy but shakes his head.]

Your right foot back. You put the weight on your left to balance yourself as you step back. A good trick is to remember that it's always the outside foot in the circle you move. Your left then goes out to the side, and your right comes back together. With that, you've got one basic box step.

Outside foot.

[That's way easier than all this left-right nonsense. Outside back, over, outside up, over. He can do that. Is this the one Oscar and Sylvia had been practicing...? It was really hard to tell when your participation was a sudden yank off the stairs into a very deep dip, no context.]

This would be cooler if you were a ghost.

[Just so Héctor knows. Sylvia would be a way better partner, unless she was in one of her moods. Cliff is frowning still, but he seems confident about making a foot box!]

[He laughs brightly.]

This would be cooler if I was a ghost. But one has to make do. Just remember I'm a ghost at heart.

[This is a thing now, apparently.]

Alright, we're going to repeat that a few more times, but with some flow. I'll count off, one-two-three, and that will be your timing for each step. It'll start to feel like you're bobbing in a circle. Ready? One, two, three...

It'd make me want to avoid stepping on your toes, anyway. Don't want to freeze my own off.

[Never mind that he's so far doing well on that front, since he's decided that whatever Héctor does is his own business. Also that if he was a ghost, he'd probably be floating... He certainly wouldn't be a solid one like that kid, or how Sylvia could be sometimes -- just enough to move things. Too much time and energy spent on other things.

Cliff mouths out the numbers in an attempt to stop himself from getting distracted by his overactive, griping mind and the way it was starting to feel like he needs to squirm away or risk something that isn't even a thing anymore. One, two, three. One, two, three... The forward and back are harder than the side to side, his initial idea of how to do it stubbornly sticking and screaming that it was the best option. Moving towards someone especially went against his instincts. One, two, three, outside foot, One-out, two-side, three-foot. No, that's fucking him up. He stumbles a little in his steps and feels his face heating in shame he knows he doesn't have to feel -- it's stupid to -- but he does all the same.]

Ugh, shit...

[What's he turning this into such a big deal for? Screw that cap back on the bottle, idiot. Don't throw a damn fit.]

[Cliff isn't the first one to ponder how he'd be as ghost. Nekane's done it too, seen him like the ghosts of their world. They can pinpoint what he'd linger for and the moment's he'd turn rough-edged. He prefers to be his kind of ghost.

But right now, he's solid and it's doing him a favor. He can move with Cliff who is, so far, doing well. Still, he knows it's coming. It happens with every first time dancer and it's even inevitable with people like them.]

Hey. Hey... You're doing okay, Cliff. Breathe deep. We can slow down or go to the next steps at any time. We can take a break if you like. You know I'm in this with you.

[Instead of agreeing, he lets out a loud, frustrated exhale that's more a groan and pulls away, locking his fingers on top of his head. Several steps back. His skin is crawling with a feeling a little to the left of itchy. His frustration has won him the beginnings of a headache. But he's got space now, so it's easier to unwind from all that.]

I don't want to slow down. [It's already too much touching, it doesn't need to last any longer than it needs to.] We'll do the next part, just...give me a minute.

[He nods and releases Cliff, as if that exhale is a proper answer in itself. It may as well be.]

Take your time.

[He takes his own, pressing a palm against his side where he'd been touched, then squeezing his hand with the other, like trying to work out some old ache. That's not the case now. He frowns to himself, mutters, Hang on, then heads out of the room to look for whatever bit of cloth or hand towel Cliff has around. When he returns, he holds one out to Cliff with the other draped over his own hand.]

I've got an idea that feels very stupid but I think it might help.

[Even more space is very good, and he's glad to take the moment to himself, shutting his eyes and breathing slow, despite his curiosity nagging at him to trail behind. Héctor returns soon enough with props that make Cliff wonder even more what it is he's thinking. He makes his dubious questioning plenty known before he even speaks.]

Okay?

[He doesn't really want to take the rag, but Héctor is doing him a favor, so he should maybe do a favor for him in return... Cooperating minimally is a favor now.]

[Cliff is going to hate that he brings this up but there's not getting around it. So, he sighs and hopes for the best.]

Nekane always wears gloves. I don't think you have any here and I don't either, but there's these.

[He wears an expression that says, Please hear me out. He takes his cloth and folds it so it drapes over the side of his fingers.]

It's an extra barrier. If you're practicing the waltz, you want to be able to relax and to focus. Hard to do if we're not even practicing contact and just jumping in without building up. I of all people should've realized that.

[Héctor's silent plea is met with judgment, irritation, weariness, and a whole lot of extra judgment sprinkled on top so you would never forget the flavor that started it all. He's correct about something: it feels very stupid. He could just go right ahead and say that, but Héctor was covering it pretty thoroughly with that face of his... And there's something else, too.]

It's fine. I mean...I trust you, so it doesn't...bother me as much. It's not a big deal.

[And since Cliff is leading, he isn't having that feeling of someone pushing him or yanking him where they want him to go without a care for him. Héctor wasn't like that, he wasn't acting like that at all, and he already knew what Cliff was. So it's...fine. It should be fine.

...It's as good as it's going to get, maybe is more accurate to how he feels.]

I can handle it. Just... I'm screwing up and getting mad about it, which makes me screw up more! I know I can do it. That's all.

[It's definitely fine, if he can just shut up and push through.]

[He frowns. He had a feeling Cliff wouldn't like the suggestion. The boy had a lot of pride. He at least didn't get outright angry about it. But...]

Cliff... You know it's not just you... right?

[He watches Cliff's face, then looks down and away. Of course, Cliff knows. But sometimes, he thinks the boy forgets that it's not just a play for... some screwed up bonding.]

I made myself put up with a lot because I didn't think I had a choice. Sometimes I pushed too far, too fast. I definitely made myself worse. This... sucks. I know it does. It feels like it should be easy because it's supposed to be, and it's not.

[He sighs and hugs his arms close, rag still in hand.]

You know yourself best. If you say you can, then we'll work with that. But... I just want the option there. And I want you to know I'm willing to try things. It shouldn't have to be a big deal to feel safer.

Edited 2021-12-13 03:37 (UTC)

[He looks stubbornly down as Héctor speaks, silently wondering why this conversation is still going. He says it's not just him, and that he's made himself worse by pushing too far, too fast, but -- but it wasn't the same. Héctor had been in Hell. He'd been forced to adapt to something horrible, even with the good things he'd found there. Cliff's situation was just...something stupid. Something uncomfortable that he avoided, but it wasn't like it was hurting him like the other things he'd tried to handle on his own before. Besides, he wasn't even on his own in this! Héctor understood him. It's not the same at all. He doesn't need to --

Cliff's eyes flick up with something like surprise, like Héctor's handed him a new epiphany -- because he has. There's a vulnerability there, too, not as underneath as he'd like it to be. How can he trust that? How isn't it a trick just to make him do what someone else wants? But he'd never thought of it in that way, and he thinks it makes sense, sort of. It wasn't a big deal for him to push through, but...was it such a big deal to do something small like this, if it made everything else easier? He glances away again, only briefly, and lets out a slower exhale.]

Yeah. Okay.

[Something changes in Cliff's expression. It's a softening that he's not used to seeing, a surprise that makes him look much younger, just a boy after all. Dare he say it, but that soft answer might actually be acceptance.

He allows himself a faint smile. He tucks his cloth into his pocket, letting hang there. The option will remain, if Cliff chooses.]

You tell me when you're ready.

[Just having the option, as much of a face he'd made about it, does help put him at ease more than he would have thought. His frustration bomb has been more or less defused, too. What the fuck. Can talking about feelings, even if your half of the conversation is pretty sparse, good for you after all? This isn't new information, it just ends up being abandoned after a while every time. Here, as weird as it was and with fruit that knocked you the fuck out, there's fewer stresses to try and keep balanced, especially without the usual loved ones to protect above himself. Maybe it'll have an easier time sinking in.]

Alright, let's go.

[He's ready...! And though he shoves the little towel into his pocket, he does shake out his arms a bit and pull his sleeves over his palms. Just a little test. As a treat.]

Two of the boxes, then the new thing.

[So he can prove he can do it, mostly. It'll improve his mood.]

Edited 2021-12-14 20:40 (UTC)

[It's alright, Cliff. Sometimes he has to be taught the same lesson several dozen times before it clicks too. Sometimes he even teaches that lesson to others and still doesn't get it.

He's up and ready the moment Cliff says he is. He holds his arms out in position to take his place with Cliff, but he can't help but laugh seeing those sleeves shaken out.]

You're making me miss my own hoodie.

[He got fancy new clothes but he was a fool and should've gotten a new sweater town to hide in.]

Two and new, you got it.

[He smiles brightly, moving with Cliff through the 1-2-3, 1-2-3, and again. Should everything go well enough, he continues;]

Now, this is where it starts to actually become a waltz. You'll have noticed how stiff it feels, just going in a circle. Waltz, however, is movement, rotation. Step for your one the same as you would. For your two, however, I want you to turn your foot just slightly. Then again feet together on the three. Now we're facing a new direction. Repeat that. One the same, then turning, creating a smooth motion. You don't want to turn your foot on one. Then you'll step on me. But after that? Perfectly clear.

[As much as he should be trying to focus on what he's doing and not letting himself get distracted, he glances up again with a raised brow and a little grin. It does help his nerves, along with the layer of fabric that keeps their contact more minimal.]

...You in a hoodie would be so weird.

[He's a dweebus like Teto, who of course could pull it off, but...the other Héctor had given off too much old soul energy for him to be able to picture this one in it now.

Turn a little on two, not one, got it. Outside foot... He frowns down as he tries to visualize it, but the best way to get a feel for it would be to do it, and he trusts Héctor enough to adjust to whatever he does.]

So we go...this way...

[Man, dancing is weird. Not as smooth as it should be, uncertainty getting the better of him and possibly making Héctor suffer a little even though he tries stop short rather than dodge into danger. Despite that, he only seems a little irritated by it, this time! More resolute than frustrated.]

[He laughs. It does look pretty weird on him, he can admit it. But--]

Hardly the weirdest thing. I've been done up in paint, a dress... costume stuffed with cotton...

[Though Cliff is hesitant and he does wince a little at some steps too close, he's pleased more than anything. The boy's doing well, and keeping calm to boot. He dares to feel prematurely proud.]

That's it. You've got this. This is called a Reverse Turning Figure. You've got your box step and now you've put some life in it with the slight turning we're doing. We'll do a change step next which will lead us into the Natural Turns. This will give you the full scope of moving around the room, and after that, there's only one thing left, which I'm sure you'll guess or recall as soon as we get to it.

Edited 2021-12-26 02:20 (UTC)

[No, somehow the hoodie would be weirder... Uncanny valley, or whatever. The rest of the stuff is supposed to be weird! So it's less weird to feel weirded out by.

He likes the praise, even if he doesn't show it and has to hold himself back from telling Héctor to cut that out. It would make it a lot easier to focus on the instruction parts...but on the other hand, he can already feel himself grimacing, and even after taking the minute for himself, he's too stiff. Good first lesson, poor dance partner overall.]

Just say the steps as we go...

[That checks out.

He looks apologetic when he sees Cliff grimacing. He does think the boy is doing well, but he can imagine how this first time sure doesn't feel like that.]

Very well. Let's do one more box of six... [He mutters under his breath, only faltering for a shudder as he counts up, which brings up another apologetic smile, more a wince this time.] And now for the change. One, two, three... and this time, you're going to step forward with your right here. The change step will always be with your right. You'll note it breaks up the pattern. There's a reason for that. We're now going into natural turns. We'll come back to the change step shortly.

[He gives Héctor a weird look at that shudder -- he wasn't anywhere close to stepping on him, come on! Then the look only gets more confused because...why is Héctor making that kind of face?

...He doesn't know how it could possibly be, and right now isn't the best time to find out in he's right. It's not like it's his business anyway.

-- the right?! He just got used to it always being the outside foot! Ugh, dancing has too many rules. Coco liking it makes no sense, why is she betraying her troublemaker ways... Was following rules of a dance to break the rule of no dancing more rule-following or less? Oh, fuck -- ]

Shit, sorry.

[Héctor's poor foot... He's ready now, though!]

[There's a quick yelp as his foot is stepped on, but all in all, it's not so bad. Helps that he's got shoes these days.]

It's okay! It's okay. [He's quick to reassure.] I think I threw you off twice there. Perdóname. Ah, let's see.

[Where were they...?]

Okay. So, for the natural turn, you're doing the same as a reverse, but we're going forward the right. Practice that a few times and we'll do another change step back to reverse turns. We can pick it up more as we go and when that's set, I'll tell you about the very last thing.

'no' is the saddest experience you'll ever know.

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