hugtopia_logs | 'no' is the saddest experience you'll ever know.

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'no' is the saddest experience you'll ever know.

♥ Who: Cliff Norman and whoever wants to put up with him.
♥ Where: various.
♥ When: Early November.
♥ What: A sad wolf is a bad wolf.
♥ Warnings: Cursing, Hell content in Héctor thread naturally.

[ one - the loneliest number. teen house. ]

[He doesn't know why he hasn't taken Kaito up on his offer before, especially since he's made a point to walk by his house a couple times to check on it or make sure it existed in the first place. The damage done by the worms isn’t enough to take out the place or make it unsafe, thankfully -- and it even leaves the task of quietly getting inside through a window even easier! Not that he couldn't use some difficulty as a good distraction from feelings he's trying very hard to ignore. Before he goes to climb inside, he makes a quick pass to see if the garden is likewise a survivor from October’s big wormy mess.

And then he's in a home that isn't his. It's weirdly soothing for someone that never relished the idea of spending time in his own home growing up, even if it's far from the window he'd really like to be climbing through. Nothing to do about that...and at least here he could feel vaguely welcome. Both Kaito and Shinji had invited him in the past! It's fine. Cliff is several steps across the room and listening for signs of anyone else being around before he calls,]

Hellooo? Anyone home?

[...decidedly not from the front door.]

[ two - just as bad as one. héctor. ]

[hahahahahahaaa fuck everything about this. He honestly hadn't meant to avoid Héctor all month, but with the worm drama on top of his dumb tender feelings, there hasn't been a good time. That's what he's choosing to tell himself so that he doesn't get frustrated all over again thinking about all the thinking he's had to do.

In the end, Héctor is still Héctor, whether he's the one Cliff knew or not. He knew he wasn't the same and had plenty of reason for that. What mattered most right now was that they were both, more or less, doing okay -- something Clifford had been able to be sure of without getting too close, thankfully, because of his nose.

Now he's getting close. So close, in fact, that he's right at the door and scratching at it with his claws, full wolf. He's...fairly confident that Héctor would be the one to answer any call to the door in this household, from what little experience he's had with Nekane, but if not? He's leaning into the anxious hope that one of the things shared in this -- bleh -- marriage is not the fact that Cliff is a big dumb werewolf.]

[ three - dog night. open. ]

[The scariest part of the worm attack, surprisingly, was not the worms. It was that moment he went to become the wolf and felt like there were hooks on the inside holding him together, refusing to let him change without a fight. He'd fallen to the ground in agony that only lightened when he finally stopped trying to shift and let that part of himself go. Cliff didn't flaunt the fact that he was a werewolf -- basically, anyway -- but not being allowed it, even on his own? Terrifying. He'd barely managed to get his head back on straight enough to shuffle citizens and helpers back towards the safety of the town center, and had been grasping at any chance to help defend.

It's still screwing him up a little, but Cliff’s making the most of getting himself back, going around the city as a red, juvenile wolf watching life get back to normal and honing in on interesting sights and smells.

Of course, the boy in the red hoodie with eyes like an animal can be found wandering as well. Usually out running at any odd hour or stuck behind a counter doing his best to act like someone who knew how to be polite.]

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[He scowls at that. Zulime. He'll tuck the name away, remember it, just in case.]

That's not great either.

[But moving on. Cliff makes a good point. He can still think of reasons, terrible possibilities, but there's another option, one that makes more sense given that no one followed Cliff here.]

Good news, it's likely you weren't drugged on purpose. Was the fruit from those new trees?

No. It wasn't.

[Even if he can't remember most of it, what little he did was terrifying. He's just...so fucking grateful for Oscar, and that Eliza wanted to protect him, and that his mom believed in him enough to know that something was wrong, even if he couldn't tell her any part of the truth. It was nice to know she wouldn't give up, no matter how dramatic an exit he made.]

Huh? [Oh, right. That stuff. Cliff sighs and leans back against the couch, looking annoyed.] How should I know? Probably. [Curse you, supervisor! Curse you, worms!] I thought all it did was make you want to be close to people.

[And yet the boy says not to worry about it. He tries his best. He really does.

He reminds himself that not everyone is so paranoid about what they eat. Nor should they be. It's not something he wishes on anyone.]

I'm surprised you'd even risk wanting that. I'm not certain, but usually, when some magic thing or other happens, there's... the possibilities seem to vary. At least a little. I can't know for sure, but that's my guess.

[There was no point in worrying about it. Nothing would come of it now. It already happened. It's over. It's fine.

Cliff huffs and levels a petulant glare in Héctor's direction.]

I didn't know that's what he was giving me, or I would have at least thought about it! I'm sixteen and you expect me to pass up free food? [He sets the cup down so he can be free to gesture dramatically.] I mean, like -- I was already coming here to make you give me dance lessons! It's not like being close wouldn't happen anyway, so it might have still happened, but I didn't just shove drugged worm fruit directly into my mouth on purpose, man.

[His hands go up in surrender.]

Okay! Okay, okay, alright. I'm sorry. Only accidental worm fruit. [It's a little amusing when put like that. His hands lower down.]

So it's time to dance then, is it? Are you still up for that after your nap?

[For a moment, there's a certain joking haughtiness that conveys 'That's right! And don't you forget it!' Then he rolls his eyes and offers a tiny grin.]

Good to go. More energy than before. [Now that he's not thinking about evil circus witches.]

[Kid thinks he's funny. Well, he's right. Even if he's not going to say so.

He gets up to his feet, leaving behind both cane and weapon. He'll need his hands free.]

Alright then. Bring it in! Let's teach you to waltz! You're going to lead so my hand's going on your shoulder. I'm your lady for the evening, so your hand is at my waist. Told you height wouldn't be a problem.

[Wow, Héctor. Tell him nice things. Don't be so rude.

But anyway, here they go, onto his feet now. Casual and assured as Héctor is about all this, it's still all very strange and uncomfortable on Cliff's end. Why does he have to point out being the lady for the evening? Why can't he just be Coco, the actual lady Cliff wants to be dancing with? Never mind that that came with its own mortifying drawbacks.]

Yeah, yeah.

[He wasn't going to back down today. That was the point of this! And the more he got in his own head, the worse it would end up being. Just gotta bite back his feelings and go. He's glad that it's probably expected for him to focus on his feet today so he doesn't have to be looking up.

...Ah -- ]

Which hand? Does it matter? [They're kind of just hovering there now, unsure.]

Very good questions to ask! [There's your praise, Cliff.] Your right hand on my left side. Left hand holds my right hand.

[He offers said hand out and lifts the other arm so Cliff can get at his side. There are many people he would rather dance with-- Imelda, Coco, Nekane-- but, Cliff isn't actually the worst option. And, he enjoys the teaching process.]

Now, the key to this, when we start moving, is that you don't want to try and avoid me. It's when you try and dodge steps that you end up stepping on the person. Just move naturally, trust your partner will too, and you'll never step on one another's toes.

[That is a big part of why he kind of loves this dance. And why he's sure Coco will too.]

[That does get him to look up, expression a mix of annoyed and guilty. Héctor knows not what he asks. Trusting? An adult?? There are only two valid adults and even then he'd rather make things harder on himself than lean into the trust he felt with them, overwhelming as it could be at times. He has a giant stack of doubts next to him, even with someone he's deemed pretty okay like Héctor and with something that's supposed to be simple like dancing.

Still, hands moving to their proper places... What he can trust, at least, is that Héctor is a competent dancer. He could probably dance with his head being bounced around like a beachball in the next room over.]

No promises. Way better at dodging. [Or very consciously Not. Staying still wouldn't do him any favors, though.]

[Héctor knows exactly what he asks. He taught Nekane first, after all. It's how he knows that this goes against Cliff's instincts in just the same way.

And Cliff is, of course, right about his dance skills. And headless skills.]

Well, if you choose to try and dodge me, the only one getting hurt is me. This is what we're practicing for. Plenty of time to make it perfect.

Now. Left foot forward.

Edited 2021-12-09 04:01 (UTC)

[That doesn't make him less inclined to dodge... He's not the one at risk! But then he reminds himself with a sigh that the goal is for him to be replaced with Coco, and he'd rather die than step on her feet. It'd be best to do it properly from the get-go.

Stepping with the left... It's really hard to shut off the instinct to stop short and hold back, especially with how conscious he is about his strength. At least he's light. Try focusing on that, Clifford. No danger unless Héctor fucks up or he jams his foot down with intention to hurt.]

[As Cliff steps forward, he takes his step back. Just as promised, all toes are spared. But of course, there's not stopping here.]

Very good. Now, step your right foot out to the side. You're going to slide your left to your right and change the weight. Got that?

[Right side, slide left, right shift? It's not complicated instructions, but Cliff finds himself getting annoyed anyway. Why does it all have to sound the same? Why is it even a dance? Right foot out, weight shifting onto it as he brings his left over to join it. Let Héctor do whatever, he can't control the other's steps, only his own. He should be able to handle that much, at least for a while. It usually took longer to lose it. This is fine.]

Left foot back, ri -- uh. [the word "right" can fuck right off] That's what's next?

[It feels like it should be!!]

[He matches the sliding with his own steps. He can tell Cliff is getting flustered. It's understandable. He's not the first one to get stopped up over this. He smiles in sympathy but shakes his head.]

Your right foot back. You put the weight on your left to balance yourself as you step back. A good trick is to remember that it's always the outside foot in the circle you move. Your left then goes out to the side, and your right comes back together. With that, you've got one basic box step.

Outside foot.

[That's way easier than all this left-right nonsense. Outside back, over, outside up, over. He can do that. Is this the one Oscar and Sylvia had been practicing...? It was really hard to tell when your participation was a sudden yank off the stairs into a very deep dip, no context.]

This would be cooler if you were a ghost.

[Just so Héctor knows. Sylvia would be a way better partner, unless she was in one of her moods. Cliff is frowning still, but he seems confident about making a foot box!]

[He laughs brightly.]

This would be cooler if I was a ghost. But one has to make do. Just remember I'm a ghost at heart.

[This is a thing now, apparently.]

Alright, we're going to repeat that a few more times, but with some flow. I'll count off, one-two-three, and that will be your timing for each step. It'll start to feel like you're bobbing in a circle. Ready? One, two, three...

It'd make me want to avoid stepping on your toes, anyway. Don't want to freeze my own off.

[Never mind that he's so far doing well on that front, since he's decided that whatever Héctor does is his own business. Also that if he was a ghost, he'd probably be floating... He certainly wouldn't be a solid one like that kid, or how Sylvia could be sometimes -- just enough to move things. Too much time and energy spent on other things.

Cliff mouths out the numbers in an attempt to stop himself from getting distracted by his overactive, griping mind and the way it was starting to feel like he needs to squirm away or risk something that isn't even a thing anymore. One, two, three. One, two, three... The forward and back are harder than the side to side, his initial idea of how to do it stubbornly sticking and screaming that it was the best option. Moving towards someone especially went against his instincts. One, two, three, outside foot, One-out, two-side, three-foot. No, that's fucking him up. He stumbles a little in his steps and feels his face heating in shame he knows he doesn't have to feel -- it's stupid to -- but he does all the same.]

Ugh, shit...

[What's he turning this into such a big deal for? Screw that cap back on the bottle, idiot. Don't throw a damn fit.]

[Cliff isn't the first one to ponder how he'd be as ghost. Nekane's done it too, seen him like the ghosts of their world. They can pinpoint what he'd linger for and the moment's he'd turn rough-edged. He prefers to be his kind of ghost.

But right now, he's solid and it's doing him a favor. He can move with Cliff who is, so far, doing well. Still, he knows it's coming. It happens with every first time dancer and it's even inevitable with people like them.]

Hey. Hey... You're doing okay, Cliff. Breathe deep. We can slow down or go to the next steps at any time. We can take a break if you like. You know I'm in this with you.

[Instead of agreeing, he lets out a loud, frustrated exhale that's more a groan and pulls away, locking his fingers on top of his head. Several steps back. His skin is crawling with a feeling a little to the left of itchy. His frustration has won him the beginnings of a headache. But he's got space now, so it's easier to unwind from all that.]

I don't want to slow down. [It's already too much touching, it doesn't need to last any longer than it needs to.] We'll do the next part, just...give me a minute.

[He nods and releases Cliff, as if that exhale is a proper answer in itself. It may as well be.]

Take your time.

[He takes his own, pressing a palm against his side where he'd been touched, then squeezing his hand with the other, like trying to work out some old ache. That's not the case now. He frowns to himself, mutters, Hang on, then heads out of the room to look for whatever bit of cloth or hand towel Cliff has around. When he returns, he holds one out to Cliff with the other draped over his own hand.]

I've got an idea that feels very stupid but I think it might help.

[Even more space is very good, and he's glad to take the moment to himself, shutting his eyes and breathing slow, despite his curiosity nagging at him to trail behind. Héctor returns soon enough with props that make Cliff wonder even more what it is he's thinking. He makes his dubious questioning plenty known before he even speaks.]

Okay?

[He doesn't really want to take the rag, but Héctor is doing him a favor, so he should maybe do a favor for him in return... Cooperating minimally is a favor now.]

[Cliff is going to hate that he brings this up but there's not getting around it. So, he sighs and hopes for the best.]

Nekane always wears gloves. I don't think you have any here and I don't either, but there's these.

[He wears an expression that says, Please hear me out. He takes his cloth and folds it so it drapes over the side of his fingers.]

It's an extra barrier. If you're practicing the waltz, you want to be able to relax and to focus. Hard to do if we're not even practicing contact and just jumping in without building up. I of all people should've realized that.

[Héctor's silent plea is met with judgment, irritation, weariness, and a whole lot of extra judgment sprinkled on top so you would never forget the flavor that started it all. He's correct about something: it feels very stupid. He could just go right ahead and say that, but Héctor was covering it pretty thoroughly with that face of his... And there's something else, too.]

It's fine. I mean...I trust you, so it doesn't...bother me as much. It's not a big deal.

[And since Cliff is leading, he isn't having that feeling of someone pushing him or yanking him where they want him to go without a care for him. Héctor wasn't like that, he wasn't acting like that at all, and he already knew what Cliff was. So it's...fine. It should be fine.

...It's as good as it's going to get, maybe is more accurate to how he feels.]

I can handle it. Just... I'm screwing up and getting mad about it, which makes me screw up more! I know I can do it. That's all.

[It's definitely fine, if he can just shut up and push through.]

[He frowns. He had a feeling Cliff wouldn't like the suggestion. The boy had a lot of pride. He at least didn't get outright angry about it. But...]

Cliff... You know it's not just you... right?

[He watches Cliff's face, then looks down and away. Of course, Cliff knows. But sometimes, he thinks the boy forgets that it's not just a play for... some screwed up bonding.]

I made myself put up with a lot because I didn't think I had a choice. Sometimes I pushed too far, too fast. I definitely made myself worse. This... sucks. I know it does. It feels like it should be easy because it's supposed to be, and it's not.

[He sighs and hugs his arms close, rag still in hand.]

You know yourself best. If you say you can, then we'll work with that. But... I just want the option there. And I want you to know I'm willing to try things. It shouldn't have to be a big deal to feel safer.

Edited 2021-12-13 03:37 (UTC)

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