hugtopia_logs | those crystal blues

[ It's been over a year since then, but she does remember it. ]

I do. [ She nods, but her brow is lifted, as if she doesn't quite follow him. That is, until she thinks a bit harder on the memory, of what she said to him that day.

She had found him weary and mentally exhausted within her garden that day. He had thought he failed with protecting others. She had done her utmost to encourage him: that what he did was good, that he did what he could with the information and abilities and freedom (or lack thereof) at the time. That he was everything good within his heart.

What she said to him that day, that forgiveness for the self, that self-compassion-- he wants her to practice that for herself, too.

Pyra lowers her head, bringing his hand up from her crystal to press a kiss to his knuckles. His memory is fuzzy, but at least he remembers what she said that day, too. That means he still carries those words with him. Not all is lost. ] Noct...

You shouldn't have to hear only your own words for this sort of thing. Just... you say it so much better than me.

[His hand shifts, touching her cheek while she's bent close to it, then lightly tugging her chin up.]

I'll try, anyway. [She deserves it. She deserves so much more.] I didn't say you're amazing just because you saved me. You've always been amazing, but this sort of thing reminds me that it's true. You... you saved me before, without any powers. You saved me that day, and way too many days after, just by being with me. You're saving me now, with or without the crystal.

[He leans in, pressing a light kiss to her forehead. He's no good at big, sweeping gestures or heavy proclamations, but he can do little things. He can put the effort in. It's not difficult to think of ways in which she's wonderful... he just has to say them out loud.]

You know me. I get depressed easy. Shitty things are always happening... at home or here, doesn't matter, the world's got it in for me. But every time, you're right here to pick me up and remind me that everything doesn't suck, that I deserve better, that I'm still... good. And you do that not because you're trying to save me or win glory or whatever. You did this on day one, before you knew anything about me, my power, my destiny... that's who you are. You saved me from me. And I know I'm not the only one. That's why... you're amazing. For all the times you have helped people, and all the times I know you will, going forward.

[ Her own words repeated back to herself wouldn't have the same effect, and he starts calling her amazing all over again, he's already doing better than how she could have reassured herself. Those words alone with a kiss upon her forehead would have been enough, too, but no, he continues.

By the time he's done speaking, she's smiling at him, comforted, but also tearfully-- for two reasons. The first is that of course she's emotional, he knows this by now. The second is that this? This is how she knows that for all the memories have caused him pain and pushed some of his own away, he's still him. He's able to be kind when it counts most, when others need it most. ]

N-noct....

[ Architect, she wouldn't know what she would do, if those memories had left him so hollow that his compassion, that his goodness were crushed beneath the weight of the world. She's grateful for that, just as much as she's grateful for his words.

The world could have lost someone beautiful today, truly in heart and soul, and it would have been less beautiful itself because of it. ]

Thank you, Noct. [ She whispers, leaning into his touch, unable to help a small, breathless laugh. ] ...You know I'm supposed to be comforting you, don't you?

[ There's so much more she wants to say to him, to comfort him, to ask him, to go over with him. She doesn't know where to start, what she should leave for another day. But at least she can show how grateful she is to him. Pyra closes her eyes, moving to embrace him. ] I'm so thankful that you're here. I'm so thankful that you're alive.

[He melts into the embrace, grateful for it and plenty of other things, besides. He's glad that his efforts weren't a total flop. Giving big speeches doesn't come anywhere near as naturally to him, and it's honestly kind of exhausting to do it, though he wouldn't say as much- that's on him, not her. (Seriously, how did his dad do public speaking for as long as he did? How does anyone have the energy for it?) He's happy she found comfort in his words, though; he meant all of them.]

I like being here. [In Elysium, in Havenwell. Alive.] I wish you'd stop saying that, though. All that... who's supposed to be comforting who. It's not your job, and I don't wanna ignore when you're upset just because I am. [He huffs a quiet laugh to her shoulder.] If that was the rule you'd never get to speak up.

[Mr. Always Depressed over here busy hogging the comfort spotlight... and he can't recall a specific instance of her saying that, but it's a gut feeling he can't shake. Maybe that will be how his memory goes sometimes, because of all this, or maybe he's only struggling in the moment. Difficult to tell for sure yet. Regardless, he won't ignore that feeling here and now.]

I--...I know, I know. [ She takes a tremulous breath, still holding him. Pyra turns her head so that she kiss the shell of his ear, and then she tucks her chin over his shoulder, sighing.

Whatever comes next, she knows this: there are now more important values to her than remaining secretive and hiding in fear. In dire circumstances like this, there are times where her abilities can help others, can save lives-- especially of those she loves. That's a big change already.

But. Even though she knows he'll make time for her, comparing her uncertainty with this to the trauma he just went though seems... unbalanced at best and frivolous at worst (although she knows he'd never think it). So, regaining some of her composure, she pulls back from the embrace to look at him once more, searching his face, then allowing her gaze to drop to the crystal upon his chest.

From here on, every reflection he'll see will be with this crystal upon his chest. He's always had magic within him, always had a unique glow within his eyes, but the gem there is far more overt. No doubt, that will take some getting used to. She hopes that he won't think of himself as any less than he was, just because he has a part of her with him. She hopes that seeing it won't bring more harm to him...

Ah. That's another worry, then. After a moment, she speaks it aloud: ]

You know... this doesn't mean your my chosen, okay? You're not mine in that way. [ In a possessive way, in a way a god might use a mortal to further their plans, whether that's by being their champions or being their weapons, their pawns. She knows he's expressed trouble with this before, so she adds: ] You're not a tool.

[He sets free a quiet, surprised noise at that, brows furrowing as he looks back at her.]

I've... never once thought that about you. Not now, not ever. [His lips quirk into a fresh smile.] Any of the others could tell you I'm a lot of work when it comes to that sort of thing.

[He has no intention of becoming a tool, even if... his destiny is essentially to just be a means to an end. A conduit, he'd said in the past, which in retrospect is just a fancier way of calling himself a tool for the gods to use. Still, he's sentient. He has a will of his own, and thanks to her, his mind belongs to him, too. As far as he can tell her crystal isn't meddling with his head or changing how he feels, and he trusts her too much to suspect that might change. The only risk of that is if something weird happens in this world to make her behave differently, and they've all been guilty of that by now.]

[ In the future, she'll give a part of her crystal to another... to essentially use them, without telling them the true reason for it, even if she will be saving their life. In this present, she's doing the opposite. She's giving her crystal freely to him to save him, to protect him; not for some grander plan, but solely because she wants to, because she cares about him.

She won't know the significance of this change until she returns to her world, but for now? She's relieved that he hadn't even thought this exchange would be making a tool out of him. So careful she is to reveal what she is, for all of how deities and powers-that-be are thought of, whether good or bad, that she doesn't want to be perceived as just another one who uses someone.

And she's afraid of this because... she still doesn't understand the point of his gods bestowing all of these memories to him, making him suffer like so, and it pains her that this-- another crystal, one from an entirely different world-- must step in to correct the lack of a failsafe. It shouldn't have come to this, he shouldn't have to question his own memories or who he is or how he'll be in the future. ]

Okay.... Okay. I had been worried that you'd be worried, and-- [ She shakes her head and brings her hand to his chest, her palm over his heart rather than over the crystal. Clearly, her worry on that isn't necessary, and she responds with a smile. Sometimes she worries too much. ] I just want you to know that you're still you.

Still me...

[He glances down at her hand, noting its position as he considers those words more carefully. He hadn't only been worried about losing himself- he'd worried about forgetting what made him into himself. By forgetting something like that, he'd lose all sense of what's normal in his behaviour, his personality, how he speaks and what he says. It would be like becoming a different person, a mishmash of the world's history compressed into a single new personality, or maybe even multiple if he couldn't keep himself consistent. It's terrifying. He'd been terrified.

To hear her say that... it means a great deal. When he speaks with others - his family, his friends - he'll be able to gauge (hopefully) what sort of changes might exist, if anything is noticeably different. Right now she's able to reassure him, because she's come to know him so well. It's another gift from her that he'll accept gladly. He hadn't known he was so keen for that reassurance until he heard it out loud.

With a heavy exhale he leans in, half-slumping against her, his hand clutching hers against his heart. Still him, still him. They didn't change him. Again, that fear can be put to rest for a while.]

Promise... you'll tell me, if I'm ever not?

I promise.

[ Promises to him are far too easy to make. When she first arrived in this world, she probably would have thought that dangerous.

She's glad that mentality has since changed.

Her fingers tap against his chest. ] Still you, and... [ Affectionately, with a breath, ] You know, this whole conversation, I've been thinking that you are definitely still you, if it helps at all.

[ She opens her eyes. ] I think that's a good start.

[He huffs a quiet laugh, finally relenting to his tired urge and shifts back down again, resting with his head in her lap so he can look up at her without expending so much energy. She didn't seem to mind indulging him before, so he'll stay this way for a while.]

Hmm... what gave me away? My princely charm is that unmistakable?

[It does help, actually. And if she's keeping watch for it, he'll try not to worry as much about it.]

[ Well, since he's asked.... ]

Your kindness. [ She replies, simply, matter-of-factly as he returns to his usual resting position of his head upon her lap. If she is to be absolutely truthful, she enjoys how he seems to enjoy that spot. Additionally, she likes it because she's able to run her hands more easily through his hair and ease her fingers against his scalp. This also gives her easy access to his shoulders so she might attempt to massage the tension from them.

Okay, so maybe she indulges a little too much in indulging him. He absolutely deserves every second of it. ]

Your compassion. [ She continues. ] How you paused the topic of memories to think about how I was doing, and-- [ Yes, yes, they just went over how he can care for her too, but that's not the point. ] that's so very you, putting others first. [ She gives him an affectionate look. ]

What else...

Oh, maybe this? [ She pokes at the edge of his cheek. ] Mmmm. Just as squishy as I remembered-- [ Poke poke poke po-- ] Ah, there we go. [ Her finger is right at the corner of his lips, tracing the edge of his tired smile. ] Pokable cheeks and a handsome smile: check and check. Still Noctis.

Some of those are acceptable features, I guess. [He purses his lips, subtly kissing her finger while it's there, just because he can.] It's nice to know you'd miss me, if my brain got taken over by a crystal.

[His voice wobbles a little at the end there, trying to accommodate their usual banter with the... okay, yeah, the trauma of what he'd just gone through. He prefers not to openly dwell on his problems overmuch, and his excuse would be that they have talked about it in depth already; time and distance will do him the most good going forward, alongside her crystal embedded in his chest. He wants to depend on this normalcy, too, even in sparse moments here and there for a while. He can relax and be taken care of, but coddling won't fix his problems.

He hopes it doesn't count as running away. He's not trying to, not exactly.]

[ She takes the waver in his voice as a healthy sign, actually, for she wouldn't expect him to return to his normal level of banter so easily and so soon. Covering up his pain would have lead her to be suspicious that he was putting on a mask, and that's not what he needs. Balance is. ]

I'd miss you like the sunset always misses the sunrise. [ Her voice lowers, heartfelt, and her finger flattens out with the rest of them, allowing her to cup his cheek, and realizing, belatedly, that perhaps her metaphor isn't the best choice...

....Or maybe it is? This is the conversation for it, grief and hope and everything included. She's allowed to express how she'd miss him, he's allowed to hear it. ]

But so long as we're here, we'll get to watch both together.

[He closes his eyes at that. Not the best choice, perhaps, but not the wrong thing to say, either. Its impact is more palpable for how personal it is. In some ways, that's a good thing, and he won't object to it. His fate isn't allowed to ruin sunrises or sunsets for him; both are too beautiful to never mention again.]

Mm... the latter might be more effort, though. [Don't think of the obvious, don't ruin the mood.] You know I hate early mornings. [There we go.]

I think we can hold off on early morning for now, since your one job is to do your best to rest. [ Which includes sleeping in, if he needs any reminder that she's going to hold him to his task of recovery. ] And I mean it, both the resting and the 'doing your best' part.

[ Pyra's hand leaves his cheek, moving to lie over his beating heart again. There's no counter for when either of them might leave this world, which means there's only so many more times she might be able to feel the warmth of him beneath her hands. She won't take this for granted. ]

You can take things a day at a time, being patient with yourself. You can do your best, too. But... remember: your level of best can change, day to day, too.

[ The standards he holds himself to when he's fully healthy shouldn't be the same to which he should hold himself while recovering. Some days will be more difficult than others, some will not be. The 'best' he can do can change moment to moment, and he shouldn't be so hard on himself. ]

The reminder... probably helps.

[Hard to admit, but she has a good point in all of that. Sometimes the complaint that he's doing his best and that people shouldn't expect more from him is true, and sometimes it's just laziness on his part. But no one should be expected to function in peak condition all day, every day. It's not healthy, and that's something he needs help remembering sometimes. Lofty expectations make for anxious princes.]

You're allowed to drag me back to bed if I look like I'm pushing myself too hard. Pick me up and throw me in there if you gotta. You're strong enough to pull it off. [Actually, the mental image is pretty funny, albeit embarrassing.] I won't fight you.

Oh, it'll be my pleasure. [ The lighter banter makes her own smile come easier, too. As if having the same mental image, she can't help a soft giggle. ]

I'll probably just end up cuddling with you and Carbuncle, too.

Don't think either of us will mind. Actually, that reminds me. Bud, this is okay, right? The two crystals aren't gonna cause a problem with each other?

[He has no idea how one would work with the other, and their magics have never interfered dangerously before, but they've never been so... entwined. He doesn't want Pyra to end up getting hurt for saving him.

In response to his call, Carbuncle pads casually around the two, ears flicking. It stretches out, yawns hugely for such a little creature, then curls up wordlessly against Noct's side, tucked in a spot between their bodies. Noctis blinks, then relaxes again.]

...Guess that settles it.

I think Carbuncle has the right idea. [ She reaches out to pet the little Messenger behind its ears. ] Do you think you can follow his lead, Noct?

[ Her hand returns to his chest, drawing a heart over his heart. There's people waiting for him outside, and she's sure he'd know that without her telling. But if she says that now, perhaps he'd only want to wake up sooner, and right now she wishes to encourage rest. ]

[His eyes follow her hand, after a moment recognizing her intention. The fact that he'd ended up back in her lap so quickly is clue enough of what's necessary- and would be, even without her multiple reminders to take it easy and rest. Yeah, he's at least 75% of the way there already, feeling the strain on his eyes trying to keep them open. It's bound to be worse when he's in his real body.

He doesn't want to sleep and wake up on the other side, in truth. Not for a while yet. Doing that will mean more pain and exhaustion than here, confronting the consequences of what just happened, having to answer uncomfortable questions. That time will come no matter what he does, but... still. It's difficult.

Nevertheless, he closes his eyes.]

...You'll be there?

[Needy, a little clingy perhaps when she's already given so much, but he doesn't want to wake up alone.]

I'll be there.

[ Lifting her hand to her lips, she kisses the tips of two of her fingers, then pressing the pads of them to the center of his lips, sealing the promise.

He's welcome to sleep within this realm until he's ready, and it's likely to be a gentler rest than if he were slumbering within the confines of his own physical body. Until he's ready to wake, she'll be with him. ]

those crystal blues

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