[There wasn't a response at first, Ardyn running a hand through messy hair and letting it fall back into his face. Gods, when had it even turned this garish purple tone? Had he still been alive when his eyes stopped matching his brother's, or was it something that set in with the soul-deep corruption over time in Angelgard? He didn't know and didn't really want to consider it, but no matter how he chose to overlook the truth it still felt to him like one additional cosmic insult marking him as inhuman, stealing even a facet of simple family resemblance while casting him out.]
It was...easier not to think about it. Foolish of us all, in hindsight. I never questioned why I had something Somnus didn't, even knowing our powers were near identical otherwise. In a time when the prevailing way of life tended toward what most here would call 'superstition', something like that was regarded as a divine miracle. I was grateful for it, and I was still grateful even as things became complicated.
[A slow inhale, and a quiet sigh as he tried to place his thoughts in the right configuration to shape how he really felt. Anger? Sure--anger was just what grew from resentment, and he had plenty of that. For his brother's poor choices, for the people who fell in line and opted to forget him, and for the gods who put them all in those positions then and now. Regret? Yes and no. Regret destroying himself for others, no. Regret not questioning why this, why him, why anything had to be that way...that all felt like more of a mistake now.]
I'm not about to pretend any of it was easy. I was on my own for the most part, and it could be...
[Frightening. Agonizing. Torture. But it's fine, isn't it? Because it's fine if it's you, isn't it? said his own voice in his head. No one should have worried about him, because there was no point in worrying when the outcome was already certain. Ardyn bit back the urge to brush it all off with the word 'difficult' sticking in his throat, shaking his head and starting again.]
...I was afraid. Afraid that even one person would look at me and not see what I needed them to. Afraid of the constant awareness of how sick I really was. Terrified that I would stumble or falter, and the whole kingdom would know their savior was scared to die even knowing it would save their lives.
Knowing what I do now, and thinking about the idea that this was the gods' intent from the beginning...then if all we tore ourselves apart over was ultimately pointless, I would say that even I feel no small amount of anger at the idea.
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[There wasn't a response at first, Ardyn running a hand through messy hair and letting it fall back into his face. Gods, when had it even turned this garish purple tone? Had he still been alive when his eyes stopped matching his brother's, or was it something that set in with the soul-deep corruption over time in Angelgard? He didn't know and didn't really want to consider it, but no matter how he chose to overlook the truth it still felt to him like one additional cosmic insult marking him as inhuman, stealing even a facet of simple family resemblance while casting him out.]
It was...easier not to think about it. Foolish of us all, in hindsight. I never questioned why I had something Somnus didn't, even knowing our powers were near identical otherwise. In a time when the prevailing way of life tended toward what most here would call 'superstition', something like that was regarded as a divine miracle. I was grateful for it, and I was still grateful even as things became complicated.
[A slow inhale, and a quiet sigh as he tried to place his thoughts in the right configuration to shape how he really felt. Anger? Sure--anger was just what grew from resentment, and he had plenty of that. For his brother's poor choices, for the people who fell in line and opted to forget him, and for the gods who put them all in those positions then and now. Regret? Yes and no. Regret destroying himself for others, no. Regret not questioning why this, why him, why anything had to be that way...that all felt like more of a mistake now.]
I'm not about to pretend any of it was easy. I was on my own for the most part, and it could be...
[Frightening. Agonizing. Torture. But it's fine, isn't it? Because it's fine if it's you, isn't it? said his own voice in his head. No one should have worried about him, because there was no point in worrying when the outcome was already certain. Ardyn bit back the urge to brush it all off with the word 'difficult' sticking in his throat, shaking his head and starting again.]
...I was afraid. Afraid that even one person would look at me and not see what I needed them to. Afraid of the constant awareness of how sick I really was. Terrified that I would stumble or falter, and the whole kingdom would know their savior was scared to die even knowing it would save their lives.
Knowing what I do now, and thinking about the idea that this was the gods' intent from the beginning...then if all we tore ourselves apart over was ultimately pointless, I would say that even I feel no small amount of anger at the idea.