Best not to make your Mamá unhappy then. But it's fine for now.
[He listens. There's a breath from him, almost a laugh, though it comes out real quiet.]
I wouldn't expect you to never get mad. I don't know how to do that.
[He always feels that anger under the surface now, boiling up over this or that. He lets his eyes close. He's not going to talk about music again. He's not imagining it's going to go any better. The real issue between he and Cliff isn't really music anyway.]
... I'm... jealous. Not just of the obvious things. But of all the living who had to bury their loved ones. I know it's hard, I'm not stupid, I've had to lose people for good in other ways, but I think about it... getting to mourn. It's what you do when you won't ever see someone alive again.
My daughter's alive. She's been alive this whole time. I've never been allowed to mourn. I've never been allowed to... say goodbye. It's always been me trying to reach her. I've never had to stop. I've tried everything, anything.
[He feels that wetness on his cheek. He glances away, quickly wiping at his face, then he stares down at the ground. The cigarette stays close to his lips, his voice quiet.]
Nekane's all I have in any world now. I was thinking, if we hadn't wound up here, I was going to help them redeem out of Hell, like I did once. They'd go to their world and I'd either go with them or... or I'd stop. Go home to oblivion and just stop. But I'm here. And I'm... grateful to be with them... but I need to figure out how... how am I going to live with this? And I don't really think there's an answer.
That's part of why I never really wanted to talk about it. What's anyone supposed to say? Nekane has so much going on... you actually might get to see her again... who else in Hell cares? Who else is... going to understand...? I just want her. I just...
no subject
Best not to make your Mamá unhappy then. But it's fine for now.
[He listens. There's a breath from him, almost a laugh, though it comes out real quiet.]
I wouldn't expect you to never get mad. I don't know how to do that.
[He always feels that anger under the surface now, boiling up over this or that. He lets his eyes close. He's not going to talk about music again. He's not imagining it's going to go any better. The real issue between he and Cliff isn't really music anyway.]
... I'm... jealous. Not just of the obvious things. But of all the living who had to bury their loved ones. I know it's hard, I'm not stupid, I've had to lose people for good in other ways, but I think about it... getting to mourn. It's what you do when you won't ever see someone alive again.
My daughter's alive. She's been alive this whole time. I've never been allowed to mourn. I've never been allowed to... say goodbye. It's always been me trying to reach her. I've never had to stop. I've tried everything, anything.
[He feels that wetness on his cheek. He glances away, quickly wiping at his face, then he stares down at the ground. The cigarette stays close to his lips, his voice quiet.]
Nekane's all I have in any world now. I was thinking, if we hadn't wound up here, I was going to help them redeem out of Hell, like I did once. They'd go to their world and I'd either go with them or... or I'd stop. Go home to oblivion and just stop. But I'm here. And I'm... grateful to be with them... but I need to figure out how... how am I going to live with this? And I don't really think there's an answer.
That's part of why I never really wanted to talk about it. What's anyone supposed to say? Nekane has so much going on... you actually might get to see her again... who else in Hell cares? Who else is... going to understand...? I just want her. I just...